Abandonment

Kobi, this isn't to you, but to the woman who birthed our Father.

For years, I've let your decision to walk out of my life define me. I've let it consume me. Let it poison my thoughts. I thought, what kind of horrible human being must I be if my own Grandmother doesn't want to know me, doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't want to see these 4 amazing humans I'm raising. I've let you make me feel unworthy. I've spent many nights crying over your decision. I cried for Kobi, who couldn't understand why you couldn't love him either. All he did was love another human. All he did was give love and be loved, and because it wasn't a gender you had in mind for him, it was worthy of abandonment. It was worth it to you to walk away from him entirely instead of loving him anyway. You missed out on knowing an incredible, sweet, loving human being.

And what exactly did I do? I stood by my brother and up for him, always. I grieved my father when he completed suicide. I struggled to find my footing as a teenage girl without a Dad. I struggled to make sense of your decision to stop loving me. A decision my father would be ashamed of you for. I was a child. I was 13 years old. I had no idea what to do with myself, and yes, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I was trying to make sense of the world around me, of the tragedy around me. I was trying to keep standing on my own two feet that seemed to be giving out from beneath me. So yes, I married a man I shouldn't have, I got pregnant too young, but I made the most out of both situations. I bounced back. I got back up. I found a way to live in a world where you left me, and where my Father had decided to end his life.

But you, you didn't just make mistakes, you made horrible, irreversible decisions. You betrayed my Father by not being there for us. You walked away from 2 good kids who just wanted to be loved. You missed out on knowing us as adults. You will never ever get those moments back. You will never know my children, one of whom looks and acts so much like your child, like my Dad. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, she's artistic and loving and full of laughter. Dad would have loved every minute of being a grandfather. An opportunity you screwed up at every turn. Kobi would have done anything to be here and still be involved in these girls' lives, in my life, and you had the opportunity and chose not to take it.

Kobi always hoped that one day we would reconcile with you. He kept that hope in his heart until the day he died. I know that. So when I called you and told you he was killed, and you told me that you couldn't come to his funeral because funerals were too hard for you now. I was devastated. Because Kobi would have wanted you there. I tried to be understanding and give you the benefit of the doubt, because funerals were hard for me too. But apparently, funerals were not too hard for you to come to another family members services this week. You are an unworthy human being. You don't deserve my love, and I don't deserve to feel worthless anymore. That was the absolute final straw for me, and that's saying a lot considering I let you hurt me for years.

I look at my 4 beautiful children all the time, and I imagine watching them become parents one day, and thinking about being a Grandmother, I cannot ever imagine abandoning them the way that you did us. Especially if I lost their mother. I would hang on to them like it was all I had left of my child, because it would be. I'm done trying to understand you and your decisions, because the fact is, there are no valid reasons for the choices you made, just excuses for your inability to have a heart.

You don't know who I am. And I'm sure that this post will make me seem like a horrible human being, I assure you, I'm not. I love everyone with my whole heart. Being loving and caring is what has made this entire situation so very difficult for me. But when you've been hurt repeatedly by someone, eventually you have to say enough is enough.

I'm a good person. I married an amazing man who has been by my side through all of my heartache and never backs down. I have 4 beautiful little girls who are getting so big, kind and smart. I'm building a career and together my husband and I have built a pretty great life. I love rock music and play instruments. I'm crafty and artistic. I give and give until I have nothing left. I am my father's daughter, through and through. And while you may not be proud of me, I know he is. I know my real grandparents who stood by me until their dying breath are proud of me. Kobi and my Mom are proud of me. And I'm proud of me. Because not many people can go through all that I've been through, and still love as much as I do.

Kobi deserved more than you gave him. He deserved your time, your love, your understanding. He was an honest, loving soul that deserved more than to be shot and left for dead. He deserved for you to be there for his family during that awful time. He deserved your attention during those worst possible moments. I deserved that too.

I'm done letting you define me. I'm done hoping you'll call me. I'm done hoping for you to come around. Because the fact is, I could never forgive you for all that you've done anyway. I will always love you, because my love is not something I can shut off like you can, but I will no longer hope for reconciliation. Instead, I'll hope for my heart to heal.

Traditions

Kobi,
Do you remember how incredible it was to be a part of our family during the holidays? It always felt truly magical in our home. For Thanksgiving, we would either go to Tennessee and be with our Grandparents there, or we'd stay home, have tacos, and then go to visit Grandma and Pepa. Christmas was always our favorite though. While putting up the Christmas tree we'd listen to Christmas music, our parents bicker about putting the lights on the tree, and then we'd spend the evening as a family decorating.

We had Grandparent's day with Grandma and Pepa, where we'd decorate their garage, play games and spend time with them before having their family party the following weekend. Their family Christmas was always a blast. I remember us always wondering if it was too early to bug them about rather or not we could open presents yet, and sometimes they'd let us cheat and open one a little early.

When Mom and Dad would go Christmas shopping, they'd leave me alone with you, and we'd spend an entire evening playing Mario or watching Star Wars together. Then they'd make us hide out in the bathroom as they brought presents in and think about all the things we might have gotten.

Christmas Eve we'd start the day at Mema's house with Dad's side of the family, then we'd end it at the Phi Delt's with Grandma and Grandpa. I remember getting so tired out there that'd I'd fall asleep on a pile of coats. We'd come home, read T'was the Night Before Christmas, set our stuff out for Santa and I'd get to sleep up in your bedroom. Every 5 minutes of silence I'd ask you if you were still awake and then we'd get started in on another conversation until we just couldn't keep our eyes open anymore.

Christmas morning, Dad couldn't contain himself any longer and he'd wake us up at like 5 am to open presents. He loved seeing our faces when we opened up exactly what we asked for. We'd roll our eyes as soon as we heard that Elvis Christmas tape come on the stereo. We had Tacos for dinner too, since it's one of the few things you actually liked. Mom and Dad would spend the afternoon cooking together in the kitchen while we played with all of our new stuff. And on the Christmas's where we got gaming counsels, we'd play those as a family after we all ate.

After Dad died, things were never the same. A lot of our family fell away. We stopped seeing Mema and Poppy as much. As Pepa's health deteriorated, family Christmas's stopped there too. Shortly after, we grew up, and Christmas didn't become fun again until Abby came along. You loved spoiling your nieces. You'd come on Christmas Eve and help us move the presents out to the tree and do all of our Santa responsibilities. And on Christmas morning, I was the one waking everyone up. Excited to see my own kids' faces lighting up as they opened up their gifts. You always wanted to take a video as they walked out into the living room and saw the massive pile of presents. You helped put together all the toys and take them out of the boxes. We didn't have tacos, but I did make sure I had mashed potatoes and Mac and cheese for you every year. We'd also always visit Grandma on Christmas Day. You've always been my favorite part about Christmas. Having you home, under the same roof as my husband and my girls, it was the most peaceful feeling I ever remember having. Home is where the heart is, and you guys were my home and my heart. It always felt like something was missing when you weren't home. It still does.

Since you've been gone, we've struggled with ways to take back Christmas again. Mom lives in Florida, you're gone, Grandma is gone. The first one I stuck to all the things we would have done if you had still been there and Mom was there. It was a very difficult day to get through. The second one, was just our little family, and we had a visit from Lisa, so she could help put together toys for the girls, something you would have done. Then we decided to make home made pizzas as a new tradition. The girls got to pick their own toppings and I had hoped it would add a little more fun to their day.

This year, due to the large amount of junk our children have, we decided to switch it up. We decided to spend our Christmas at Great Wolf Lodge, buy the girls less things, and make it focused more on spending time together as a family. 3 whole days, just the 6 of us, having a good time, away from all the sadness and darkness that Christmas often brings for us. I don't know if you'd approve, but I think at this point, you'd want me to do anything to keep getting myself through this. I wish Mom would come home. I wish Grandma and Pepa could be here, and Mema and Poppy. Most of all, I wish you could be here.

You'll always be my favorite part about Christmas. I trust that even though you're physically gone, your spirit will be with us on Christmas. Maybe, I can have a little bit of that peace it use to bring me when you were alive. Send me a sign.

I love and miss you always.

Sis

Pride

Kobi,

I've always been proud of you. From the very beginning. When someone would say, "Are you Kobi Walden's sister?" I would smile big and reply, "Yes." You were a good person from the beginning of your life. You helped neighbors, friends, and always, me. You were smart. You were in the gifted program at school, a talented percussionist, quiz bowl, academic teams, honors society, you name it, you did it. You were amazing, at anything and everything you did. You made me proud in your adulthood, going through promotions and salaries at your job with ease, being an amazing Uncle, friend, and more. I never thought it was possible though, for you to make me proud even though you weren't on this side of things, and yet, you do.

You made me proud in the immediate aftermath of your murder, for the outpouring of love and support, that spoke immensely to your character.

I was proud when I was going through your things. I found little trinkets from the years of our lives together. Things I made you when we were small that you kept for years. Things that the girls made you. Tickets from concerts we attended together. Movie ticket stubs. Pennies from years of going to the zoo together. You cherished our relationship and put your family first always. I was proud to see your heart in these trinkets and souvenirs.

As devastating as it was, I was even proud when I read your autopsy report. You fought hard to stay here with us. And even though I knew better, people online and even people surrounding your case insinuated that we might want to prepare ourselves for information we might not have known. And yet again, you made me proud to read that just like I knew, you had no drugs or alcohol in your system what so ever. That was never who you were.

And today, like many of the times the Roller Derby Community has honored you, I was damn proud to be your sister. 2 and 1/2 years later, and people still think you are worth mentioning, they think you are worth remembering. If you had been a different person, lesser of a person than who you were, I don't believe that would be the case. But look at all these people who respect your memory, and honor you regularly. It speaks volumes about who you were when you were alive, and I couldn't be more proud to be your sister.

I love you Kobi Lee Walden. I miss you immensely.

Always and forever,
Your little sister

The Monsters Under My Bed

Kobi,

I just want to sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep 12 hours a day. Sleep a full 8 hours....without a single nightmare. I want and need sleep. Real sleep. The kind I use to have before all of this. I never feel rested. The nightmares are always there, and it makes it difficult to start my day off on a positive note. Last night was just about the same as always. I'm standing in front of your apartment building, I watch you get out of your car, and every single second of that night unfolds in front of my eyes, at least, everything I've learned about what happened that night. I stand there screaming in the parking lot, no one can hear me, and I can't move. I can only move once you're dead. And there I am standing there over you, crying, unable to breathe. And then I wake up. My heart is racing, and I feel even more exhausted than when I went to sleep. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, I always know that when I go upstairs, and lay down in my bed, the monsters will still be there poking at me, and taunting me.

School has been a good distraction for me during the day, however, it doesn't make it go away. I'm still trying. It just always seems like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Things are going pretty well, but the struggle to stay motivated and keep pushing through is definitely there. I keep hoping to wake up one day and hurt so much less than this. But for now...

I'm going to keep going to bed every night, like the monsters aren't there and like I get to talk to you at the end of my day.

All for you #47.

Love you always, best friend.

Sis

June 1st

Bubby,

When I woke up on June 1st, I looked at my watch, and for a brief moment, I breathed a sigh of relief. It isn't May anymore. It isn't the month you died, and my world unraveled, or the month where we always spent time together celebrating my birthday. It's over. Maybe, just maybe I can breathe. But then I saw that it was the 1st, 25 months since you had been gone. There was the weight on my chest again. However, I realized something, as I sat in the bathroom at my friends house, replaying your final moments in my head, as I do every first day of the month around 10 pm; it doesn't matter what day or what month it is. I'm never going to miss you any less. I'm never going to love you any less. This is never going to get any easier.

Wait a minute. repeat that.

I'm never going to miss you any less. I'm never going to love you any less. This is never going to get any easier. 

Partly, it made me want to throw myself off a very tall building, and also, in a weird way, it was almost comforting, like realizing you have to live without a limb, or with a weight around your ankles. This depression, sadness, this longing and aching, they are apart of who I am now. It's not going to go away. It's always going to be there. You are always going to be there, right in my heart, in my mind, in every inch of my soul. There you are. It's almost like I can pick out the pieces of myself that you helped to create, and the pieces that are permanently damaged from your loss.

I'm trying to find the joy. I'm trying to breathe deep. I'm trying, Kobi. I don't care how crazy or stuck people still believe that I am. Being without you is impossibly hard to cope with.

I love you, to the moon and back, and the sun and back, and I always will. 💚

Sis

10 Things I Learned When You Were Murdered

1. The world is both a terrible and wonderful place.  When I lost you, I hated the world and everyone in it. I didn't want to raise my children in a horrible place that kills kind, loving people for no reason at all. I didn't want to talk to anyone, because everyone seemed to be obsessed with murder documentaries and serial killers. How could you be obsessed with someone that destroyed someone's life? How could you be okay with that? I felt hatred like I've never felt before, but in the darkness of it all, I also felt loved. The large amount of people who reached out to me and helped to support my family during such a terrible time was so overwhelmingly wonderful. We barely paid anything for your funeral or to have your body moved. The donations from people who loved you paid for that for us. I've never been so grateful in my entire life as I was when people supported me because they loved you. It also made me grateful to you, for being so lovable and creating such an amazing community for me in your absence. Thank you.

2. The grief felt from a murder, is unlike any grief you've ever known. Before you were killed, we had felt grief. We had lost most of our family members. Losing Dad to suicide when I was 13 almost killed me. I couldn't function normally for a very long time. The depression, anger, frustration and abandonment I felt during that time in my life was paralyzing. It was a very hopeless feeling. But losing you at the hands of someone else, that was a whole new sea of emotions. How could someone hate you enough to kill you? Better yet, how could someone who didn't even know you kill you? How does any of this happen? You go through a lot when the death isn't natural or accidental, too. Identifying your body, going through a list of suspects, becoming a detective yourself, having evidence taken from your loved ones home, getting that evidence back almost a year later, getting tips and comments on their death and trying to deal with those without losing your freaking mind. There's been so much to your passing that it would take me hours to even get into it all, and tonight, I don't have it in me.

3. Grieving as a parent is so incredibly hard. You don't get to be crazy. You don't get to lay in bed for days on end and sleep the pain away, not that the nightmares would let that happen anyway. You can cry in your bathroom for 5 minutes before your kids come pounding on the door. Then you wipe the tears off your face, take a deep breath, and you open that door like you didn't just silently scream into your arm in pain. You quickly leave the store when your PTSD panic attack hits and just tell your kids, "Mommy's not feeling well." You just hope you don't break your kids any more than losing their loving and involved uncle already broke them.

4. Losing your best friend and loved one, can make you want to die too. The day you died it wasn't a matter of if I wanted to live, it was a matter of when I was going to end my suffering. I didn't want to live without you. I didn't want to be alone. Living without you didn't feel like living at all. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart over and over again. I sat on my bathroom floor many nights wallowing in pain and crying hysterically. It felt like I'd never get off of that floor and that everyone would be better off if I was gone too. It wasn't until my girls came into my bedroom one night, crying hard, and missing you, that I realized losing their mother would be putting them in even more pain, and I wouldn't be here to hold them and love them through it. I decided to live for them, and for you. The last thing on this entire planet that you would have wanted, was for me to die because you did.

5. Sometimes, you have to take life a single moment at a time. "Do you think you can handle this for 10 more seconds? I learned a long time ago that a person can handle just about anything for 10 seconds, then you just start on a new 10 seconds. All you have to do is take it 10 seconds at a time." Thinking about my future was painful, it still is. You won't be at this event or around to see the kids grow up. There's so many things in our future that you will miss. Sometimes I lose myself in the future and the very long list of things you will be missing, but I have to tell myself to break away from that. What am I  doing right at this moment? What do I need to do in the next 10 seconds? I have learned to focus more on now than later. Now still sucks too, believe me, but it's a small moment in time and not the entire span of the rest of our lives. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10....

6. Life can turn you into someone you don't recognize. Before you died, I use to laugh a lot more. Despite all the things we went through together, I had you, and that made me feel so much better. I didn't need those family members who abandoned us and never looked back. I didn't need to carry around the burden of losing Dad on my own, because you shared that burden too. I had you, and you had me, and that was good enough for us both. I smile less. I laugh less. I talk less. Everything is so much less with out you. I don't know who I am anymore. You made up so much of my life, so much of me, that without you, I don't even know how to be me. I don't remember a time before now when I didn't run all of my major decisions in my life by you. You've helped me choose every path I've taken in life. I don't know what path to walk without you, and right now, it feels more like a haunted roller coaster ride that I just want off of.

7. When you're angry, it spills out and into everything. I find myself getting angry a lot lately. Sometimes it comes out when I bang my fists on the steering wheel and scream, and other times, it comes out in my attitude when talking to others. It isn't something that I plan, or that is intentional. Somedays, I'm so furious. I'm mad that my only sibling is gone. I'm mad that you were murdered. I'm mad that you were scared. I'm mad that our family had to go through all of that. I'm just mad. There's only so much that I can do to try to keep my emotions in check. Somedays I'm pretty good at it, others, I suck miserably. I'm doing my best.

8. Grief is not linear. The highs and lows that come with grief are so incredibly devastating. Some of the most bittersweet moments in my life are moments where the girls are participating in something or succeeding and being recognized. I am always painfully reminded that you're not here to see it. There are days where I can push most of it to the back of my mind and I can smile, and have tickle fights with them. Then, there are days where I can't push past any of it. I can't even open my eyes without thinking of you and how much I miss you. It brings me to my knees some days, literally. It doesn't matter how far out we get, it doesn't hurt any less.

9. I am NOT required to forgive anyone. I've had a lot of people ask me about forgiveness, a question no one has a right to ask me. Here is my answer: No! Absolutely not! I don't forgive anyone who put you in that situation, who pulled the trigger, or the people who were suppose to help bring your murderer to justice and dropped the ball on several occasions or refused to speak to the authorities.  I don't forgive any of them and I never will. They can call me a lesser person for that, but you deserve better. You deserve our outrage because you deserved to live. I don't believe the crap that everyone says about how it's going to make me feel better to "let it go" or "offer forgiveness." I won't feel better. It's a decision that only I get to make for myself, and I've chosen to place anger and blame exactly where it belongs. I think that's healthier than saying I forgive someone, that let's face it, I could never forgive.

10. I didn't know how strong I was, until being strong was my only choice. I use to think that was just a silly quote that I would see on people's statuses. It is SO much more than that now. In the 48 hours following the first phone call that I received alerting me to your absence from work, I fielded just shy of 90 phone calls. NINETY! I lost my best friend and dealt with NINETY phone calls in 48 hours. Phone calls with family, coroners office, IMPD, the crime lab, your personal detective, animal shelter, funeral home, flower shop, news channels, victim advocate representatives, and several others. I made more trips to Indy in a few days than I can even count. Gathering clothes, identifying your body, dealing with the detective, attending events held in your honor, handling your apartment, writing your eulogy and your obituary, and the many other tasks I took on while you were lying on a metal table, getting ready to be put into the ground. I don't know how I did it to this day. Especially when I didn't even know how I was going to put one foot in front of the other. The only thing I can think of is, I did it all for you. I found strength where I didn't think I had any, because in the worst moment of my life, that's what you needed from me. And we both know, I'd do anything for you.

Who am I?

Kobi,

Up until a little under 2 years ago, you were an every day occurrence in my life. You were the phone call I'd receive at midnight because your life had taken an unexpected turn again, and you needed to talk. You were the hand I held at numerous funerals and pivotal moments in my life, reassuring me that I was okay, because I had you. You were the voice on the other end of a phone call at 2 am when anxiety reared it's ugly head and I suddenly couldn't breathe. You were everywhere, all the time. You were everything.

So I suppose it comes as no surprise that I'm struggling to figure out who I am exactly now that you are gone. How much of you was me, and me, you? I know that you defined me to a pretty big degree. I think I always knew that. Our lives were so intertwined, and so many of our thoughts were the same. I think I spend more time wondering who you would be at this very moment. But to some extent, who I am and who you would be go hand in hand, right? Would you have these same feelings about this situation? Would you like this song too? I just don't know anything anymore. Who in the hell am I without you?

I told you I wouldn't let this all change me, that you would still be able to recognize the sister that you left behind. But I don't think that's true anymore. I feel guilty about it, but then again, how could I be the same person? People use to describe me as bubbly, and I don't hear that anymore. I don't see it in myself either. I smile less, I laugh less. For the most part, I'm pretty quiet. I'm quiet at work, I'm quiet at school, I'm usually quiet at home, I'm quiet. I know why I'm quiet, too. It's because periodically through out the day, I get lost in my memories of you. I get lost in the sadness of losing you, and how we lost you. I get lost in the walking through of your final moments step by step, trying to make sense of it all. I use to feel a little sparkly, glittery, giggly, like just maybe there was something about me that made me different from other people. I don't feel that anymore. I've lost my spark. I don't know how to get it back, or if I even want to.

I feel like an empty container of toothpaste. Your murder just squeezed and squeezed all the life out of me until all that was left was an empty shell. Sometimes I feel nothingness, worthless. I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to remember anymore. I'm just the girl who talks about how sad she is that her brother is dead, and right now, I don't have any desire to be anything more than that.

Saying I miss you feels hollow, because it seems too simple to describe how badly I wish you were still alive. I feel so incredibly broken and sad without you, that even the simplest day to day activities take everything in me to accomplish. You were the best big brother and best, best friend a girl could have. I love you more than you'll ever know.

-K