Bubby,
When I woke up on June 1st, I looked at my watch, and for a brief moment, I breathed a sigh of relief. It isn't May anymore. It isn't the month you died, and my world unraveled, or the month where we always spent time together celebrating my birthday. It's over. Maybe, just maybe I can breathe. But then I saw that it was the 1st, 25 months since you had been gone. There was the weight on my chest again. However, I realized something, as I sat in the bathroom at my friends house, replaying your final moments in my head, as I do every first day of the month around 10 pm; it doesn't matter what day or what month it is. I'm never going to miss you any less. I'm never going to love you any less. This is never going to get any easier.
Wait a minute. repeat that.
I'm never going to miss you any less. I'm never going to love you any less. This is never going to get any easier.
Partly, it made me want to throw myself off a very tall building, and also, in a weird way, it was almost comforting, like realizing you have to live without a limb, or with a weight around your ankles. This depression, sadness, this longing and aching, they are apart of who I am now. It's not going to go away. It's always going to be there. You are always going to be there, right in my heart, in my mind, in every inch of my soul. There you are. It's almost like I can pick out the pieces of myself that you helped to create, and the pieces that are permanently damaged from your loss.
I'm trying to find the joy. I'm trying to breathe deep. I'm trying, Kobi. I don't care how crazy or stuck people still believe that I am. Being without you is impossibly hard to cope with.
I love you, to the moon and back, and the sun and back, and I always will. 💚
Sis
