The Monsters Under My Bed

Kobi,

I just want to sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep 12 hours a day. Sleep a full 8 hours....without a single nightmare. I want and need sleep. Real sleep. The kind I use to have before all of this. I never feel rested. The nightmares are always there, and it makes it difficult to start my day off on a positive note. Last night was just about the same as always. I'm standing in front of your apartment building, I watch you get out of your car, and every single second of that night unfolds in front of my eyes, at least, everything I've learned about what happened that night. I stand there screaming in the parking lot, no one can hear me, and I can't move. I can only move once you're dead. And there I am standing there over you, crying, unable to breathe. And then I wake up. My heart is racing, and I feel even more exhausted than when I went to sleep. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, I always know that when I go upstairs, and lay down in my bed, the monsters will still be there poking at me, and taunting me.

School has been a good distraction for me during the day, however, it doesn't make it go away. I'm still trying. It just always seems like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Things are going pretty well, but the struggle to stay motivated and keep pushing through is definitely there. I keep hoping to wake up one day and hurt so much less than this. But for now...

I'm going to keep going to bed every night, like the monsters aren't there and like I get to talk to you at the end of my day.

All for you #47.

Love you always, best friend.

Sis