Kobi, this isn't to you, but to the woman who birthed our Father.
For years, I've let your decision to walk out of my life define me. I've let it consume me. Let it poison my thoughts. I thought, what kind of horrible human being must I be if my own Grandmother doesn't want to know me, doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't want to see these 4 amazing humans I'm raising. I've let you make me feel unworthy. I've spent many nights crying over your decision. I cried for Kobi, who couldn't understand why you couldn't love him either. All he did was love another human. All he did was give love and be loved, and because it wasn't a gender you had in mind for him, it was worthy of abandonment. It was worth it to you to walk away from him entirely instead of loving him anyway. You missed out on knowing an incredible, sweet, loving human being.
And what exactly did I do? I stood by my brother and up for him, always. I grieved my father when he completed suicide. I struggled to find my footing as a teenage girl without a Dad. I struggled to make sense of your decision to stop loving me. A decision my father would be ashamed of you for. I was a child. I was 13 years old. I had no idea what to do with myself, and yes, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I was trying to make sense of the world around me, of the tragedy around me. I was trying to keep standing on my own two feet that seemed to be giving out from beneath me. So yes, I married a man I shouldn't have, I got pregnant too young, but I made the most out of both situations. I bounced back. I got back up. I found a way to live in a world where you left me, and where my Father had decided to end his life.
But you, you didn't just make mistakes, you made horrible, irreversible decisions. You betrayed my Father by not being there for us. You walked away from 2 good kids who just wanted to be loved. You missed out on knowing us as adults. You will never ever get those moments back. You will never know my children, one of whom looks and acts so much like your child, like my Dad. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, she's artistic and loving and full of laughter. Dad would have loved every minute of being a grandfather. An opportunity you screwed up at every turn. Kobi would have done anything to be here and still be involved in these girls' lives, in my life, and you had the opportunity and chose not to take it.
Kobi always hoped that one day we would reconcile with you. He kept that hope in his heart until the day he died. I know that. So when I called you and told you he was killed, and you told me that you couldn't come to his funeral because funerals were too hard for you now. I was devastated. Because Kobi would have wanted you there. I tried to be understanding and give you the benefit of the doubt, because funerals were hard for me too. But apparently, funerals were not too hard for you to come to another family members services this week. You are an unworthy human being. You don't deserve my love, and I don't deserve to feel worthless anymore. That was the absolute final straw for me, and that's saying a lot considering I let you hurt me for years.
I look at my 4 beautiful children all the time, and I imagine watching them become parents one day, and thinking about being a Grandmother, I cannot ever imagine abandoning them the way that you did us. Especially if I lost their mother. I would hang on to them like it was all I had left of my child, because it would be. I'm done trying to understand you and your decisions, because the fact is, there are no valid reasons for the choices you made, just excuses for your inability to have a heart.
You don't know who I am. And I'm sure that this post will make me seem like a horrible human being, I assure you, I'm not. I love everyone with my whole heart. Being loving and caring is what has made this entire situation so very difficult for me. But when you've been hurt repeatedly by someone, eventually you have to say enough is enough.
I'm a good person. I married an amazing man who has been by my side through all of my heartache and never backs down. I have 4 beautiful little girls who are getting so big, kind and smart. I'm building a career and together my husband and I have built a pretty great life. I love rock music and play instruments. I'm crafty and artistic. I give and give until I have nothing left. I am my father's daughter, through and through. And while you may not be proud of me, I know he is. I know my real grandparents who stood by me until their dying breath are proud of me. Kobi and my Mom are proud of me. And I'm proud of me. Because not many people can go through all that I've been through, and still love as much as I do.
Kobi deserved more than you gave him. He deserved your time, your love, your understanding. He was an honest, loving soul that deserved more than to be shot and left for dead. He deserved for you to be there for his family during that awful time. He deserved your attention during those worst possible moments. I deserved that too.
I'm done letting you define me. I'm done hoping you'll call me. I'm done hoping for you to come around. Because the fact is, I could never forgive you for all that you've done anyway. I will always love you, because my love is not something I can shut off like you can, but I will no longer hope for reconciliation. Instead, I'll hope for my heart to heal.
