I don't really know what to say. I didn't start typing with a purpose like I usually do, but more so because I need to talk to you, and I can't do that. I'm not okay. I know that I'm not okay, but I don't know how to fix it, or even really what's wrong, other than the obvious. I've been struggling with depression, and it's been especially bad this week. I haven't wanted to get off the couch or be awake, and I can cry at any moment. The irony of this is, I feel like what I need to be okay, is to talk to you. But I feel like the fact that I can't talk to you, is exactly why I'm so miserable. You were my anti-depressant, my live journal, my secret keeper, my light in the dark, and there to hold my hand through all the bad. I'm still not use to living without you. I need to call you. I need your pep talk. I need you to tell me how much you love me and that everything is going to be okay. I miss our nightly phone calls more than I can put into words. I never realized how incredibly lonely I would be without them.
I regularly imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with you. No, not my end, although I do wonder how different my life would be had all of this not happened. But I'm more focused on your end. I know you'd tell me you were proud, that you loved me, laugh about the girls, however, I wonder where your life would be. I like to imagine that you are with a man that you love and that loves you so much, and actually treats you right. I think about helping you plan a wedding, listening to you talk about adopting a baby and becoming a Dad, and how thrilled I am to be an Aunt to your child. You are finally in a job that doesn't kill your spirit. You are still skating because it's the best thing you ever did for your mental health, and you are in a house that you've decorated to be way cuter than mine. You still brighten up your nieces every time you come around and they brighten up you too. Your partner has fallen in love with them too and you guys host sleepovers and spoil them. Life is good for you. Life is good for me. I wanted that version of your life for you so badly. You were finally on your way, and then it was taken away from you, and you were taken from us. None of this is fair. You deserved to live.
I don't think I'll ever be okay.
I love and miss you so much.
Sis
