Presence

 Kob,

I finished the last of my assignments today. I have a final on Thursday, and then I'm done. It feels so surreal but I'm also so ready. I'm ready to help people. I'm ready to join my unit. I'm ready to make a difference. After finishing up my assignments, I started crafting. Crafting things that honor your memory so I can bring you into this next phase of my life with me. I'm glad I have them, but I'd rather have you. It doesn't fill the void I have in my heart. It doesn't erase the sadness I feel to be having to go through these milestones without you. Today, it just reminded me of your absence. But I hope on that day, I can feel your presence. 

I can't begin to explain how much I miss you, so I won't even try. There aren't enough words in existence. My heart is hurting so badly today. I wish I could call you, so you could talk me down off my anxiety ledge, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Having a pinning was so incredibly important to me because I know how important it would have been to you. You would have wanted to be there so very badly. This life has been so very unfair to us both, but I'm always grateful it gave me you, even if it means I have to be in all this pain now. 

Your words still echo in my head. You've still helped push me through. I'd be lost without you. 

I love you so much,

Sis

(Almost) Three Years

Kobi,

When you died, I instantly began waiting for something else. Like a plane falling out of the sky onto the house we use to live in, something, anything. I wanted a reason. I needed one. But over time, I began to realize, that no reason would ever be good enough for you to be gone. It wouldn't make sense, no matter how hard I tried to make it.You were gone, and nothing was going to make that okay or acceptable. Nothing. I wanted the end of your life to mean something. I wanted it to have purpose. I wanted for it to have been some kind of sacrifice for the greater good or to protect these girls you loved so very much. I needed it. But I'm not sure that I'll ever get an excuse as to why someone decided to take you away from me. That yearning for answers never goes away, and I'm convinced that it never will.

Every day, I look for memories on my Facebook of you. There is always at least one. It puts a smile on my face, but it also puts a sinking feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I'll look at statuses from my past just to see if you liked it or commented on it. It's always so crazy to me to look at the list of people that liked a status of mine, because it's so unreal to think that on that list of 40 or so people, you're the only one who is gone. It shocks me still and pulls the breath right out of me. Why are you the one who is gone?

It's been almost 3 years. My heart is still so broken. I wish I could love you back to life.

I miss you beyond words.

Love you so much,
Sis

The Life You Missed Out On

Kobi,

I don't really know what to say. I didn't start typing with a purpose like I usually do, but more so because I need to talk to you, and I can't do that. I'm not okay. I know that I'm not okay, but I don't know how to fix it, or even really what's wrong, other than the obvious. I've been struggling with depression, and it's been especially bad this week. I haven't wanted to get off the couch or be awake, and I can cry at any moment. The irony of this is, I feel like what I need to be okay, is to talk to you. But I feel like the fact that I can't talk to you, is exactly why I'm so miserable. You were my anti-depressant, my live journal, my secret keeper, my light in the dark, and there to hold my hand through all the bad. I'm still not use to living without you. I need to call you. I need your pep talk. I need you to tell me how much you love me and that everything is going to be okay. I miss our nightly phone calls more than I can put into words. I never realized how incredibly lonely I would be without them.

I regularly imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with you. No, not my end, although I do wonder how different my life would be had all of this not happened. But I'm more focused on your end. I know you'd tell me you were proud, that you loved me, laugh about the girls, however, I wonder where your life would be. I like to imagine that you are with a man that you love and that loves you so much, and actually treats you right. I think about helping you plan a wedding, listening to you talk about adopting a baby and becoming a Dad, and how thrilled I am to be an Aunt to your child. You are finally in a job that doesn't kill your spirit. You are still skating because it's the best thing you ever did for your mental health, and you are in a house that you've decorated to be way cuter than mine. You still brighten up your nieces every time you come around and they brighten up you too. Your partner has fallen in love with them too and you guys host sleepovers and spoil them. Life is good for you. Life is good for me. I wanted that version of your life for you so badly. You were finally on your way, and then it was taken away from you, and you were taken from us. None of this is fair. You deserved to live.

I don't think I'll ever be okay.

I love and miss you so much.

Sis

Abandonment

Kobi, this isn't to you, but to the woman who birthed our Father.

For years, I've let your decision to walk out of my life define me. I've let it consume me. Let it poison my thoughts. I thought, what kind of horrible human being must I be if my own Grandmother doesn't want to know me, doesn't want to be in my life, doesn't want to see these 4 amazing humans I'm raising. I've let you make me feel unworthy. I've spent many nights crying over your decision. I cried for Kobi, who couldn't understand why you couldn't love him either. All he did was love another human. All he did was give love and be loved, and because it wasn't a gender you had in mind for him, it was worthy of abandonment. It was worth it to you to walk away from him entirely instead of loving him anyway. You missed out on knowing an incredible, sweet, loving human being.

And what exactly did I do? I stood by my brother and up for him, always. I grieved my father when he completed suicide. I struggled to find my footing as a teenage girl without a Dad. I struggled to make sense of your decision to stop loving me. A decision my father would be ashamed of you for. I was a child. I was 13 years old. I had no idea what to do with myself, and yes, I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes. I was trying to make sense of the world around me, of the tragedy around me. I was trying to keep standing on my own two feet that seemed to be giving out from beneath me. So yes, I married a man I shouldn't have, I got pregnant too young, but I made the most out of both situations. I bounced back. I got back up. I found a way to live in a world where you left me, and where my Father had decided to end his life.

But you, you didn't just make mistakes, you made horrible, irreversible decisions. You betrayed my Father by not being there for us. You walked away from 2 good kids who just wanted to be loved. You missed out on knowing us as adults. You will never ever get those moments back. You will never know my children, one of whom looks and acts so much like your child, like my Dad. She's got blonde hair and blue eyes, she's artistic and loving and full of laughter. Dad would have loved every minute of being a grandfather. An opportunity you screwed up at every turn. Kobi would have done anything to be here and still be involved in these girls' lives, in my life, and you had the opportunity and chose not to take it.

Kobi always hoped that one day we would reconcile with you. He kept that hope in his heart until the day he died. I know that. So when I called you and told you he was killed, and you told me that you couldn't come to his funeral because funerals were too hard for you now. I was devastated. Because Kobi would have wanted you there. I tried to be understanding and give you the benefit of the doubt, because funerals were hard for me too. But apparently, funerals were not too hard for you to come to another family members services this week. You are an unworthy human being. You don't deserve my love, and I don't deserve to feel worthless anymore. That was the absolute final straw for me, and that's saying a lot considering I let you hurt me for years.

I look at my 4 beautiful children all the time, and I imagine watching them become parents one day, and thinking about being a Grandmother, I cannot ever imagine abandoning them the way that you did us. Especially if I lost their mother. I would hang on to them like it was all I had left of my child, because it would be. I'm done trying to understand you and your decisions, because the fact is, there are no valid reasons for the choices you made, just excuses for your inability to have a heart.

You don't know who I am. And I'm sure that this post will make me seem like a horrible human being, I assure you, I'm not. I love everyone with my whole heart. Being loving and caring is what has made this entire situation so very difficult for me. But when you've been hurt repeatedly by someone, eventually you have to say enough is enough.

I'm a good person. I married an amazing man who has been by my side through all of my heartache and never backs down. I have 4 beautiful little girls who are getting so big, kind and smart. I'm building a career and together my husband and I have built a pretty great life. I love rock music and play instruments. I'm crafty and artistic. I give and give until I have nothing left. I am my father's daughter, through and through. And while you may not be proud of me, I know he is. I know my real grandparents who stood by me until their dying breath are proud of me. Kobi and my Mom are proud of me. And I'm proud of me. Because not many people can go through all that I've been through, and still love as much as I do.

Kobi deserved more than you gave him. He deserved your time, your love, your understanding. He was an honest, loving soul that deserved more than to be shot and left for dead. He deserved for you to be there for his family during that awful time. He deserved your attention during those worst possible moments. I deserved that too.

I'm done letting you define me. I'm done hoping you'll call me. I'm done hoping for you to come around. Because the fact is, I could never forgive you for all that you've done anyway. I will always love you, because my love is not something I can shut off like you can, but I will no longer hope for reconciliation. Instead, I'll hope for my heart to heal.

Traditions

Kobi,
Do you remember how incredible it was to be a part of our family during the holidays? It always felt truly magical in our home. For Thanksgiving, we would either go to Tennessee and be with our Grandparents there, or we'd stay home, have tacos, and then go to visit Grandma and Pepa. Christmas was always our favorite though. While putting up the Christmas tree we'd listen to Christmas music, our parents bicker about putting the lights on the tree, and then we'd spend the evening as a family decorating.

We had Grandparent's day with Grandma and Pepa, where we'd decorate their garage, play games and spend time with them before having their family party the following weekend. Their family Christmas was always a blast. I remember us always wondering if it was too early to bug them about rather or not we could open presents yet, and sometimes they'd let us cheat and open one a little early.

When Mom and Dad would go Christmas shopping, they'd leave me alone with you, and we'd spend an entire evening playing Mario or watching Star Wars together. Then they'd make us hide out in the bathroom as they brought presents in and think about all the things we might have gotten.

Christmas Eve we'd start the day at Mema's house with Dad's side of the family, then we'd end it at the Phi Delt's with Grandma and Grandpa. I remember getting so tired out there that'd I'd fall asleep on a pile of coats. We'd come home, read T'was the Night Before Christmas, set our stuff out for Santa and I'd get to sleep up in your bedroom. Every 5 minutes of silence I'd ask you if you were still awake and then we'd get started in on another conversation until we just couldn't keep our eyes open anymore.

Christmas morning, Dad couldn't contain himself any longer and he'd wake us up at like 5 am to open presents. He loved seeing our faces when we opened up exactly what we asked for. We'd roll our eyes as soon as we heard that Elvis Christmas tape come on the stereo. We had Tacos for dinner too, since it's one of the few things you actually liked. Mom and Dad would spend the afternoon cooking together in the kitchen while we played with all of our new stuff. And on the Christmas's where we got gaming counsels, we'd play those as a family after we all ate.

After Dad died, things were never the same. A lot of our family fell away. We stopped seeing Mema and Poppy as much. As Pepa's health deteriorated, family Christmas's stopped there too. Shortly after, we grew up, and Christmas didn't become fun again until Abby came along. You loved spoiling your nieces. You'd come on Christmas Eve and help us move the presents out to the tree and do all of our Santa responsibilities. And on Christmas morning, I was the one waking everyone up. Excited to see my own kids' faces lighting up as they opened up their gifts. You always wanted to take a video as they walked out into the living room and saw the massive pile of presents. You helped put together all the toys and take them out of the boxes. We didn't have tacos, but I did make sure I had mashed potatoes and Mac and cheese for you every year. We'd also always visit Grandma on Christmas Day. You've always been my favorite part about Christmas. Having you home, under the same roof as my husband and my girls, it was the most peaceful feeling I ever remember having. Home is where the heart is, and you guys were my home and my heart. It always felt like something was missing when you weren't home. It still does.

Since you've been gone, we've struggled with ways to take back Christmas again. Mom lives in Florida, you're gone, Grandma is gone. The first one I stuck to all the things we would have done if you had still been there and Mom was there. It was a very difficult day to get through. The second one, was just our little family, and we had a visit from Lisa, so she could help put together toys for the girls, something you would have done. Then we decided to make home made pizzas as a new tradition. The girls got to pick their own toppings and I had hoped it would add a little more fun to their day.

This year, due to the large amount of junk our children have, we decided to switch it up. We decided to spend our Christmas at Great Wolf Lodge, buy the girls less things, and make it focused more on spending time together as a family. 3 whole days, just the 6 of us, having a good time, away from all the sadness and darkness that Christmas often brings for us. I don't know if you'd approve, but I think at this point, you'd want me to do anything to keep getting myself through this. I wish Mom would come home. I wish Grandma and Pepa could be here, and Mema and Poppy. Most of all, I wish you could be here.

You'll always be my favorite part about Christmas. I trust that even though you're physically gone, your spirit will be with us on Christmas. Maybe, I can have a little bit of that peace it use to bring me when you were alive. Send me a sign.

I love and miss you always.

Sis

Pride

Kobi,

I've always been proud of you. From the very beginning. When someone would say, "Are you Kobi Walden's sister?" I would smile big and reply, "Yes." You were a good person from the beginning of your life. You helped neighbors, friends, and always, me. You were smart. You were in the gifted program at school, a talented percussionist, quiz bowl, academic teams, honors society, you name it, you did it. You were amazing, at anything and everything you did. You made me proud in your adulthood, going through promotions and salaries at your job with ease, being an amazing Uncle, friend, and more. I never thought it was possible though, for you to make me proud even though you weren't on this side of things, and yet, you do.

You made me proud in the immediate aftermath of your murder, for the outpouring of love and support, that spoke immensely to your character.

I was proud when I was going through your things. I found little trinkets from the years of our lives together. Things I made you when we were small that you kept for years. Things that the girls made you. Tickets from concerts we attended together. Movie ticket stubs. Pennies from years of going to the zoo together. You cherished our relationship and put your family first always. I was proud to see your heart in these trinkets and souvenirs.

As devastating as it was, I was even proud when I read your autopsy report. You fought hard to stay here with us. And even though I knew better, people online and even people surrounding your case insinuated that we might want to prepare ourselves for information we might not have known. And yet again, you made me proud to read that just like I knew, you had no drugs or alcohol in your system what so ever. That was never who you were.

And today, like many of the times the Roller Derby Community has honored you, I was damn proud to be your sister. 2 and 1/2 years later, and people still think you are worth mentioning, they think you are worth remembering. If you had been a different person, lesser of a person than who you were, I don't believe that would be the case. But look at all these people who respect your memory, and honor you regularly. It speaks volumes about who you were when you were alive, and I couldn't be more proud to be your sister.

I love you Kobi Lee Walden. I miss you immensely.

Always and forever,
Your little sister

The Monsters Under My Bed

Kobi,

I just want to sleep. Sleep all day. Sleep 12 hours a day. Sleep a full 8 hours....without a single nightmare. I want and need sleep. Real sleep. The kind I use to have before all of this. I never feel rested. The nightmares are always there, and it makes it difficult to start my day off on a positive note. Last night was just about the same as always. I'm standing in front of your apartment building, I watch you get out of your car, and every single second of that night unfolds in front of my eyes, at least, everything I've learned about what happened that night. I stand there screaming in the parking lot, no one can hear me, and I can't move. I can only move once you're dead. And there I am standing there over you, crying, unable to breathe. And then I wake up. My heart is racing, and I feel even more exhausted than when I went to sleep. It doesn't matter what kind of day I'm having, I always know that when I go upstairs, and lay down in my bed, the monsters will still be there poking at me, and taunting me.

School has been a good distraction for me during the day, however, it doesn't make it go away. I'm still trying. It just always seems like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. Things are going pretty well, but the struggle to stay motivated and keep pushing through is definitely there. I keep hoping to wake up one day and hurt so much less than this. But for now...

I'm going to keep going to bed every night, like the monsters aren't there and like I get to talk to you at the end of my day.

All for you #47.

Love you always, best friend.

Sis