Grandma

Kobi,

I'm missing Grandma a lot tonight, but that of course also means that I'm missing you. I can't believe Grandma is gone now. Yours was sudden and unexpected, but hers was so drawn out that it almost seemed like maybe it would just never happen. We watched her fade away slowly, and I held onto her hand as much as I could, remembering every detail of her face. When I told her I wasn't ready for her to go, she told me it was time for her to be with you. She said, "Kobi needs me." And as much as I wanted her here for myself, I knew it was true. Knowing she is there with you is almost a peaceful feeling. I told her to tell you that I love you and that I miss you. Not that I haven't told you these things every single day since you have been gone, but in case you can't hear me, I wanted to be sure. I wrote Grandma this letter last year shortly before you passed, and I never got to share it with you.

  "I don't want to upset you, by any means, but I did just want to take a moment to let you know how much you mean to me. You have always been an anchor point for me in my life. Talking with you either on the phone, or just sitting down with you and having a conversation has always helped bring everything into focus. I loved when I got the opportunity to sneak over without the kids and I got to just sit and talk with you by myself. I enjoyed that so very much.          

        You read me like a book. You truly notice me. You know when I'm upset, stressed and you also notice when I'm happy. You know me better than I think anyone does. You even noticed when I was missing from a room as a child and you would always come find me and make sure I was okay. You always knew what to say in those moments to help me face the world again. In the storm that was my childhood, you were always my calm and steady.

        I remember after my Dad died and I was outside by myself crying. You noticed me, and you came out to talk to me and held me while I cried. I have never forgotten that. You let me stay with you and you let me sleep in the big bed where we talked. You were truly there for me. I  don't think I would have made it through without you. That was such an awful time in my life, but you supporting me through it all made it livable and I've always cherished that one on one time that I had with you. You also always gave me room to talk about my father. You never shied away from a conversation about him and sometimes in that moment, all I needed was to hear those memories. You always offered them. 

     When Dad did pass, most of his family went with him. You stuck around always. You and Pepa never backed away from us. Even when they wanted nothing to do with us and didn't invite us to our own Mema's funeral you took us to dinner after her funeral. Though we were hurting, you made us feel welcome and loved at a time we were feeling abandoned and unwanted. We've always been grateful for that. 

       You and Pepa have always been there for us. It didn't matter when Kobi came out, or I was pregnant and barely out of high school, or when I got divorced. We were terrified to tell you guys, but it never mattered to you. You loved us any way. You have showed us what true unconditional love is. I modeled Casey after Pepa and the kind, good, hard working man that he was. I hope one day I can be half the mother and woman that you are. But most of all, I hope that I made you guys proud. I wouldn't be the Mother or the person that I am if it wasn't for you. You were there in some of my most pivotal moments inspiring me to be better, and showing me the support that I needed. In all of the hardest parts of my life, you were there giving me guidance, helping me through. I don't know what I will do without you. 

      I am proud of you. I always tell people how smart, loving and funny my Grandma is. I have unfortunately known what it's like to have awful grandparents who had the ability to simply walk out of my life and not care to know how I'm doing. But I have also had the great privilege of having amazing, loving, supporting grandparents who I could not be more proud to have as my own. Thank you for that. Thank you for always noticing me, even when no one else did. I can't imagine my world without you in it. 

I love you very much"

I wanted her to know how much she meant to me before she passed. She called me some time later and told me how very proud she was of me, who I am, and the life that I've created. She told me that she knew I was going to be an incredible nurse and that I was going to change lives with my compassion. To say that the two of you have helped make me who I am, wouldn't even scratch the surface. When Dad died, it took a village to raise me and pull me through it, but you all rose to the challenge. I'm so grateful to have been raised by the most amazing people. I wouldn't be here without you, Grandma, and Mom. Give my love to Grandma, Pepa, Mema, Poppy, our Uncles, and Dad. But just for the record, I love you the most and I miss you so much.

Sis

Your Girls

Kobi,

This past Thursday, February 1st, marked 9 months that you have been gone. 3 more months until it's been a year that I've talked to you. That feels absolutely impossible to wrap my head around. On that same day, I had to fill out Kindergarten round up forms for your twin nieces, and it made me cry. The first thing I would have done is call you to talk to you about how big our girls are getting, and we would have thought back to when I first told you I was pregnant with them, and all of the sweet memories you have made with them. Instead, I sat on my floor bawling. Knowing you'd never see who these girls turn out to be, you won't know what kind of students they are, or what kind of activities they will be in. We did talk about it though. We talked about how Analise was so active and spunky that she would probably like to be in a sport like volleyball or basketball. We've always known Adison was going to be our dancer. She has loved to dance since she was a baby.

Then I started bawling, because I realized, Ally wasn't even 2 when you died. She isn't going to remember you at all. She isn't going to remember how immensely you loved her. She isn't going to know how you came to Riley to help with her big sisters while we got some worrisome news about her health. She won't know how you squealed on the phone when I told you that after months of trying, we were finally pregnant. She won't ever have her own memories of you. I will tell her how much love you had for that child, but she'll never know it first hand. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Abby is doing great at school after some much needed changes, changes you spent hours on the phone talking me through because I didn't know what to do to help her. She's still the great kid that she's always been. She's getting awards and recognized at school all the time for just being an incredibly kind, and good person. You have always been so proud of her, and I know you still would be.

These girls still talk about you regularly. Ally says your name, even if she doesn't know exactly what she's talking about. The 3 oldest kiddos though, they know exactly who you are, down to your favorite color and your favorite things to do. They know you, and they are always gong to know you. I would give anything to share all the girls newest adventures with you. Ally singing the baby shark song, Adison who is really into drawing these days, Analise who's liking one of your favorite shows, and Abby who is making all A's and one B. But I don't have to hear it to know you are proud of them, you always have been, and I've been sure to let them know.

My heart is so broken, knowing you aren't going to be making more memories with them. They deserved to have that kind of love in their lives, they deserved to be loved by you for longer, and you deserved the time to spend with them. I love you so very much. I miss you.

Sissy