Winter is Coming

Kobi,

I still feel this way, often. I have to remind myself, that there are people in this world you may want to be suffering; Our immediate family who didn't show up to your funeral because it was "too hard" and never bothered to call to check on me, the person who disgraced you and did you wrong in your death, the person who killed you and those who aren't talking, and anyone who hurts me, because you are my protective big brother like that. I do know, however, that I am not one of those people. I know that you loved me more than anything. I know, not because I'm arrogant, but because you told me, and I learned in your passing, you told and showed others your love for me too. You want me to continue to laugh and play with my girls. You want me to love and be loved. You want me to be successful and do the things you believed I was meant to do. You want me to be me, the me you loved, the me you still hope I'll be, the me that disappeared the day you died. The more I try to bring that person back out, the more I feel that she will never return. And I'm sorry, if I can't ever find her again.

I have felt so physically ill this week, and I thought for sure I had some kind of bug, but every time I think about what's coming up, the more I feel my stomach turn, feel my mouth fill, my head hurt, and my whole body start to shake. I felt this way for months after you died. And that pit in my stomach has been there every day since. My fingers shook every time I dealt with something on my phone in regards to you and your passing, and again, my thumbs can barely steady long enough to send a text. I feel like I did right after you died. I feel faint, sick and like I'm going to burst into tears at any given moment. I feel like I can't breathe. And to make matters worse, I tried to call you last night. I wanted to tell you how stressed I was. I wanted to talk to you for hours about the girls and all the silly things they have done or said. I just want to talk to you. So freaking badly I can almost hear your voice.  I keep thinking about what they did to you, how you felt, what you saw and my chest feels like it's going to explode. I know what's coming, and I'm trying hard to prepare myself for it. But there's no preparing for the anniversary of my world blowing up. I love you, so much, Bubby. Stay close please. I miss you.

Sis