Hard Times

Kobi,

A year ago, about this time, was the last time I would see Grandma alive and she would pass the following morning. I spent that entire 2 weeks running back and forth from Winchester to home, over 40 minutes one way, trying to be by her side as much as possible. I wanted to be there when she passed. I was emotionally and physically exhausted trying to cope with what was going on there, the fact that you weren't there, and trying to be a Mom and student. I was tired of losing everyone I loved, I was tired of trying to be okay, I was just tired. I was at a point, and most days I still am, where I don't know who I am grieving anymore, I just know that I'm drowning in grief of some sort. I knew this week was going to be hard, but then again, this time of year is always hard for me.

I tried to honor Grandma as much as I could over the past week. While my wedding rings were getting repaired I wore Grandma's set so I could keep her close. I was so incredibly honored when she gave them to me. Of all the marriages to watch and admire, hers and Pepa's was definitely on the top of my list. I also used her recipe book to make some Christmas goodies with the kids. I even put on her Christmas cd's and smiled thinking back on all the memories we made while listening to them. I would love to spend another Grandkid's day, laughing with you, and them. I miss her. She always had advice I hadn't thought of, and she helped me so much after you were killed. She told me that she believed it was part of why she was still alive.

I had to comfort the girls this evening. The twins were crying when I went upstairs and holding each other. They miss you. Christmas is just another reminder that you aren't here. It's like the giant elephant in the room, that even though we try to smile and make it through, everyone is missing you.

I love you. Give Grandma my love, too. You can tell her that even though you're gone, I'm still weird, and I know she loves me anyway.

Miss you both.

-K