Up until a little under 2 years ago, you were an every day occurrence in my life. You were the phone call I'd receive at midnight because your life had taken an unexpected turn again, and you needed to talk. You were the hand I held at numerous funerals and pivotal moments in my life, reassuring me that I was okay, because I had you. You were the voice on the other end of a phone call at 2 am when anxiety reared it's ugly head and I suddenly couldn't breathe. You were everywhere, all the time. You were everything.
So I suppose it comes as no surprise that I'm struggling to figure out who I am exactly now that you are gone. How much of you was me, and me, you? I know that you defined me to a pretty big degree. I think I always knew that. Our lives were so intertwined, and so many of our thoughts were the same. I think I spend more time wondering who you would be at this very moment. But to some extent, who I am and who you would be go hand in hand, right? Would you have these same feelings about this situation? Would you like this song too? I just don't know anything anymore. Who in the hell am I without you?
I told you I wouldn't let this all change me, that you would still be able to recognize the sister that you left behind. But I don't think that's true anymore. I feel guilty about it, but then again, how could I be the same person? People use to describe me as bubbly, and I don't hear that anymore. I don't see it in myself either. I smile less, I laugh less. For the most part, I'm pretty quiet. I'm quiet at work, I'm quiet at school, I'm usually quiet at home, I'm quiet. I know why I'm quiet, too. It's because periodically through out the day, I get lost in my memories of you. I get lost in the sadness of losing you, and how we lost you. I get lost in the walking through of your final moments step by step, trying to make sense of it all. I use to feel a little sparkly, glittery, giggly, like just maybe there was something about me that made me different from other people. I don't feel that anymore. I've lost my spark. I don't know how to get it back, or if I even want to.
I feel like an empty container of toothpaste. Your murder just squeezed and squeezed all the life out of me until all that was left was an empty shell. Sometimes I feel nothingness, worthless. I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to remember anymore. I'm just the girl who talks about how sad she is that her brother is dead, and right now, I don't have any desire to be anything more than that.
Saying I miss you feels hollow, because it seems too simple to describe how badly I wish you were still alive. I feel so incredibly broken and sad without you, that even the simplest day to day activities take everything in me to accomplish. You were the best big brother and best, best friend a girl could have. I love you more than you'll ever know.
-K
