Next to You

Kobi,

I was going through pictures the other day, and I noticed something I hadn't before. In almost every picture that we are in together, we are right beside each other, or close together. Even in photos of us walking, we are usually walking side by side. I have always gravitated toward you. It's always where I've wanted to be.

You were bouncing around the idea of moving back to Indiana when you lived in Ohio. You were at my house at the time, and I told you, "I wish you would come back home. I always feel better when you are around, more at ease, and my anxiety is much better. I love it when you are here." It wasn't long after that you told me you guys were moving back to Indy. You said you had gotten a better job offer, but I know it was partially because at the time, I was unraveling emotionally. I've battled with severe anxiety my entire life. I remember being terrified of even the smallest things when I was kid, and I've always over thought everything. You've always been around to talk me down.

I've always known what it was like to lose family. To be expecting them at events and having them be absent because their time was up before you were ready. I always told Casey that if something ever happened to you, that it would be really, really bad. Not just because you were my brother, but because you were my person. I lost the person I expect to see at family gatherings, but I also lost the person I would call at 7 am because some car just cut in front of me and really ticked me off. A phone call like that from one another, wouldn't have surprised us one bit. And we both would have said that person was a jerk. I lost the person I would walk through fire for. The person who would do the same for me. I lost 2 in one. But I also lost the main support system I had for my girls. The girls who had their 5th birthday party on Saturday and instead of having a happy Mom had a sobbing, hiding in the bathroom Mom. A Mom I never wanted to be.

I'm still trying to adjust, and now that the shock has worn off, I feel myself falling into a deep depression. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to stay in my bubble and let the rest of the world fall away. I know I need my people, but right now, all I want is you.

Sometimes I still look to my side and expect to see you there. Talking to me, playing on your phone, laughing, existing. I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I love you so very much.