Presence

 Kob,

I finished the last of my assignments today. I have a final on Thursday, and then I'm done. It feels so surreal but I'm also so ready. I'm ready to help people. I'm ready to join my unit. I'm ready to make a difference. After finishing up my assignments, I started crafting. Crafting things that honor your memory so I can bring you into this next phase of my life with me. I'm glad I have them, but I'd rather have you. It doesn't fill the void I have in my heart. It doesn't erase the sadness I feel to be having to go through these milestones without you. Today, it just reminded me of your absence. But I hope on that day, I can feel your presence. 

I can't begin to explain how much I miss you, so I won't even try. There aren't enough words in existence. My heart is hurting so badly today. I wish I could call you, so you could talk me down off my anxiety ledge, and tell me everything is going to be okay. Having a pinning was so incredibly important to me because I know how important it would have been to you. You would have wanted to be there so very badly. This life has been so very unfair to us both, but I'm always grateful it gave me you, even if it means I have to be in all this pain now. 

Your words still echo in my head. You've still helped push me through. I'd be lost without you. 

I love you so much,

Sis

(Almost) Three Years

Kobi,

When you died, I instantly began waiting for something else. Like a plane falling out of the sky onto the house we use to live in, something, anything. I wanted a reason. I needed one. But over time, I began to realize, that no reason would ever be good enough for you to be gone. It wouldn't make sense, no matter how hard I tried to make it.You were gone, and nothing was going to make that okay or acceptable. Nothing. I wanted the end of your life to mean something. I wanted it to have purpose. I wanted for it to have been some kind of sacrifice for the greater good or to protect these girls you loved so very much. I needed it. But I'm not sure that I'll ever get an excuse as to why someone decided to take you away from me. That yearning for answers never goes away, and I'm convinced that it never will.

Every day, I look for memories on my Facebook of you. There is always at least one. It puts a smile on my face, but it also puts a sinking feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I'll look at statuses from my past just to see if you liked it or commented on it. It's always so crazy to me to look at the list of people that liked a status of mine, because it's so unreal to think that on that list of 40 or so people, you're the only one who is gone. It shocks me still and pulls the breath right out of me. Why are you the one who is gone?

It's been almost 3 years. My heart is still so broken. I wish I could love you back to life.

I miss you beyond words.

Love you so much,
Sis

The Life You Missed Out On

Kobi,

I don't really know what to say. I didn't start typing with a purpose like I usually do, but more so because I need to talk to you, and I can't do that. I'm not okay. I know that I'm not okay, but I don't know how to fix it, or even really what's wrong, other than the obvious. I've been struggling with depression, and it's been especially bad this week. I haven't wanted to get off the couch or be awake, and I can cry at any moment. The irony of this is, I feel like what I need to be okay, is to talk to you. But I feel like the fact that I can't talk to you, is exactly why I'm so miserable. You were my anti-depressant, my live journal, my secret keeper, my light in the dark, and there to hold my hand through all the bad. I'm still not use to living without you. I need to call you. I need your pep talk. I need you to tell me how much you love me and that everything is going to be okay. I miss our nightly phone calls more than I can put into words. I never realized how incredibly lonely I would be without them.

I regularly imagine what it would be like to have a conversation with you. No, not my end, although I do wonder how different my life would be had all of this not happened. But I'm more focused on your end. I know you'd tell me you were proud, that you loved me, laugh about the girls, however, I wonder where your life would be. I like to imagine that you are with a man that you love and that loves you so much, and actually treats you right. I think about helping you plan a wedding, listening to you talk about adopting a baby and becoming a Dad, and how thrilled I am to be an Aunt to your child. You are finally in a job that doesn't kill your spirit. You are still skating because it's the best thing you ever did for your mental health, and you are in a house that you've decorated to be way cuter than mine. You still brighten up your nieces every time you come around and they brighten up you too. Your partner has fallen in love with them too and you guys host sleepovers and spoil them. Life is good for you. Life is good for me. I wanted that version of your life for you so badly. You were finally on your way, and then it was taken away from you, and you were taken from us. None of this is fair. You deserved to live.

I don't think I'll ever be okay.

I love and miss you so much.

Sis