Birthday

Today was my birthday. It was a very hard day. I spent the first part of my day laying in bed, sobbing, repeatedly saying out loud, "I want you back." It felt impossible to get through. I imagined you calling me early this morning or last night saying, "Happy Birthday!" You would have written a Facebook post talking about how I was your best friend and how much you loved me. I know, because you did this every year. We would have gone to the zoo this past weekend and had a great time. We would have looked at the lions and giraffes because they are your favorites, and the elephants because they were mine. The girls would have laughed and had fun, and we would have taken a million pictures. I can't go to the zoo this year, and today, felt hopeless.  I needed you today, but that was nothing new.
We celebrated on Sunday because I didn't want to leave my house today. But your sweet nieces told me they wanted to do something for my birthday, so of course, I had to let them spoil me, take care of  me. They've been doing a lot of that lately, even if they don't realize it. As we were leaving, an older gentleman told us that we have an absolutely beautiful family. I thanked him and started to tear up, and cried most of the way home. It was something I would have called and told you about. There's a lot lately I would have called and told you about, and instead, I write it here.
It seems like I cry almost all the time. If I'm not crying I'm zoned out into another universe. Then I have moments of panic attacks, moments when I freeze and literally can't move and other times when I'm so angry I feel like I could break someone in half. I know you are watching me. Watching me break, bend, trying to cope with this pain somehow. The truth is, right now hurts, but it's the thought that I will have many years without you in my life, that are the most painful. 5 years down the road all the people who are honoring you and remember you will likely have moved on. They will have their own things to worry about and all of this will be a distant memory for them. However, for me, this will still be very real, and very painful. I grieve for all the things you are going to miss in my life, and the girls' lives. They lost a major support person in their life. And with us not having many family members in this state, that was so incredibly important for them to have. You weren't just good at it either, you excelled at it.
Your friends have been reaching out to me a lot lately. Some even want to hang out. I love that idea, and I know you would have too. Getting to be with the people who loved you, the people who made you happy too, sounds like a great way to honor you. They remind me how much you loved me, and they remind me of you. Remembering you always <3

By the way, Analise has your obnoxious laugh. I love it.

Love and miss you so very much,

Sis

The Quiet

On Saturday, I picked up your death certificates. The paper that officially says you are gone. Reading your name on that piece of paper hurt, like a knife, straight into my heart. I'm still trying to figure out how to recover from this. After picking those up, I told Casey I had to go check on you. It probably sounds bizarre because you are dead, and the worse possible thing that could have happened to you, already happened. There isn't much I can do at this point. Although believe me, I've thought of a hundred ways to undo all of this, a hundred ways that won't work. I had to make sure you were okay anyway. I no longer get to worry about how you are constantly, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. I can't just bring you groceries when you tell me you haven't been eating well, call you when I know you are having a bad day, or rush to Indianapolis to bring you home with me when you have had to once again, go through something awful. Those are no longer options. So checking up on your body to make sure it's still there and the flowers aren't a mess is the only thing left. That's all I have left of being your sister.
The worst is here. That time I said would be the hardest because everyone is gone, the texts, calls and Facebook messages have mostly stopped. The older kids are at school, Ally is asleep and here I am, alone in the quiet. Alone to think about you. Alone to feel my heart breaking with no need to pretend I'm not dying too. Some of it is my own fault. I haven't exactly been returning calls, or responding to messages or comments. These times when I'm lonely, when I have a lot going on and I need to talk to someone, these are the times I would call you. Not to say I haven't tried, because for a few split seconds I have tried to call you, not to talk to your voicemail, because for a brief moment, I thought you would pick up. My chest physically hurt, I threw up, and then sobbed uncontrollably. I always knew I needed you. I knew that if someone happened to you, it would be the hardest fight of my life. The fight to stay alive.
I don't know if the person who did this didn't think about all of this, about how they don't just destroy one life, but the lives of many by taking one. Or maybe they did, and they didn't care. I want to know who did this to you. Who took you away from this world, and who took you away from me, me away from you. Why do our lives always have to be so tragic, Kobi? It's just Mom and me left. Do you remember that happy family of 4 who lived in that tiny house on Washington St? We were happy for quite some time, and then it started to unravel. It ended with a suicide and our family being devastated. But we had each other. We were always close, but after that, we grew so much closer. You were my everything. You are still everything to me. At least I know that the immense amount of pain I am feeling, is because we shared a bond, and love so strong, and so incredibly special. I wouldn't trade this pain for lesser, because I wouldn't trade our closeness for anything.

I don't see your posts on Facebook anymore, you aren't around for the big moments, or just because. You don't call me to talk about derby or because you just wanted to chat. My phone is quiet. This house is unusually quiet. This is my new normal, my own personal hell. The quiet.

I love you more than you know, and miss you so very much.

Sis

Eulogy

Some have asked what I said at your funeral. Here it is: 

Kobi Lee, Kob, Kobster, Uncle Kobi, Bubby, Bobo

I’ve literally known you my entire life and every moment that I have spent with you has been better because of your infectious smile, laugh and light. We didn’t just talk about the important things, but we talked about the little things. Sending pictures of dinosaur salt and pepper shakers because they are awesome, asking you if this shirt goes with these shoes, or any of the other mundane things we would spend hours talking about. We talked about your skating, we talked about your friends, who you were dating, the funny things your nieces said that day and how you couldn’t wait to have them over for a sleepover. You were my sounding board, my diary, my very best friend.

You’ve held my hand through all the scary things. Scary movies when we were kids, when I wrecked my bike and scabbed my knee and you carried me 3 blocks, when I was afraid to go to school because someone was mean to me and you held my hand all the way to the bus, and even when we got older and buried our loved ones. We sat through Dad’s service hand in hand, fingers laced, holding each other up. We went to King’s Island a few summer’s ago, and I only wanted to ride the roller coasters I knew I could handle. You convinced me to ride Diamond Back. I gave in, because I knew I would be alright as long as you were there with me. During the big drop, you could tell I was panicking and you reached over and you grabbed my hand. I instantly took a deep breath, and I was okay.

Every time I have felt that I wasn’t good enough, or was really sucking at this whole parenting thing, I would call you in tears. Kobi, I yelled too much, I don’t think I handled this appropriately. You would always tell me, “Those girls are lucky to have you. You are the most amazing, Mother. They are going to be just fine.” I always needed to hear those words and you always said them perfectly, and at the perfect time that I needed them.

You have talked me through countless panic attacks. It didn’t matter if it was 11 o’clock at night, or 3 in the morning, you’d stay on the phone with me until I was okay again. You always knew how to calm me down.

You’ve spent every holiday at my house, every one of my birthdays at the zoo with me and the girls, and every time I asked you to come home you did. You were always in love with the big towns, and I was always in love with the small ones. We never let any distance get in the way of our relationship, our friendship.

I remember when your first Niece was born, our sweet Abby Grace. I called you and told you I was in labor. You left work and drove straight here from Indy. You stayed at the hospital all day until she was born later that night. You cried like a baby when you held that child. You loved her from the instant you laid eyes on her. And to think that I was terrified to tell you I was pregnant. You’ve watched proudly at every birthday party, always telling them how much you loved them. They loved to snap chat with you. They would send you funny videos and pictures with goofy filters, and you would spend your evening sending them right back. I know that my girls mean the world to you, and I promise you, they will always know that. Always. I will always tell them that we love them to the moon and back, and the sun and back, just like you always said.

Everyone keeps telling me how much you loved me, how much you loved the girls. But I already know that. I know you loved me. I know you loved my girls. We always said it, we always talked about it, and we always showed it. I know if this situation were switched, you would be just as shattered, just as broken. I know you are angry that they made you leave me this way. You have always wanted to protect me from everything, you didn’t get to do that this time. I know if you were me, you wouldn’t know how to survive this either. I know, because we talked about it. We talked about how the sky would fall and the world would quit moving if we were ever separated.

I can’t begin to explain the amount of pain I am feeling right now. I don’t know how my heart can even beat being this broken. My world is shattered, my life forever altered. Every time we lost another member of our family, you would hold me and tell me, “We’ll get through this together. Like we always do.” I don’t even know how my legs are holding me up. I would give anything to have you back, to undo this. Unfortunately, the only choice that I have in front of me is to move forward, somehow, some way, and be the person, and the Mother, you loved so much.

The girls and I love you to the moon and back, and to the sun and back, and we will miss you even more.

Sis

Interviews

I'm not a public speaker. But I've been doing a lot of that lately. I've done a total of 6 interviews since your passing, not too mention given 2 speeches, one at your funeral. I heard someone say that I liked the attention. Who likes attention from losing someone they are so close to? No one. I'd like to walk around and think that people have no idea who I am or what I've been through, but doing that, could mean I let your killer go free. I know, that that is not an option. So instead, I speak, to anyone, and everyone, that will listen.
I also have to keep your memory alive. Your gentleness, kindness, compassion. I have to keep those things that made you so great, and share them with the world. I have to share that you didn't deserve this. That you aren't just another drug dealer or gangster, but a genuinely good guy whose life was taken way too soon. This was senseless. The world needs to know that it's raising people who do these horrible acts. The world needs to know that horrible people are out there and someone needs to speak up and put a stop to their horrifying actions. Someone, maybe your neighbors, maybe me, but it all starts somewhere.
Someone said that maybe this horrible thing happened because I was meant to help others who are going through it too. If that's the case, I don't want it. I just want you. I'm not strong enough to help others right now. I'm not even strong enough to help myself. I know you deserve justice, you deserve answers. Everything else? I just don't know.
Your own words are on my arm, in your hand writing. Who would have thought that card you gave me for my 18th birthday would end up being one of the most amazing things you've ever given me. I actually sent you a picture of that card a few months back telling you I still had it. You were impressed I had kept it all these years. But even back then, Kobi, you were so incredibly important to me. You always have been, and you always will be.

Love you more than you know, too

Sis

Without You

It's been over 2 weeks since we were told that you are gone. It's been the hardest 2 weeks of my entire life. Every single day has felt like an awful nightmare, a blur that I'm somehow living in. My chest hurts constantly, tears flow randomly and at times, I have to tell myself to breathe. You were my best friend, my human diary, my protector, my big brother. I can't understand how this happened to you, or why. All I know is it's my own personal mission to find it out.
I have brief moments of clarity. Very brief. Where I know what you would want me to do, and how you want me to do it. You want me to be the same person you've always loved, and go forth with raising my family. You want me, to be me. You know that's easier said than done, Bub. It took me many, many years to be able to be in a good place after Dad passed. And with you, that's going to be so much harder. We spoke just about every day, about how you want this tattoo or that tattoo and how the twins told a complete stranger that I lost them in the store once. Those conversations were everything to me. Everything. You were everything to me. When I thought about my family and holidays, it was always, you, me, Casey and the girls. Always.
 I didn't just lose you. I lost me. So much of me was you. You were always in my head. If I hadn't talked to you yet that day, I wondered how your day at work went, how your practice went or if you had been getting enough sleep or eating enough. I worried about you constantly. There were several other times when I would call you and couldn't get a hold of you, so I would call and call until you picked up. If you didn't pick up, I would check the local news to be sure you weren't in an accident or anything. I would have never thought that scenario would actually happen one day. This time it was your apartment building plastered on the top of the screen, "Male body found in wooded area behind Southport Crossing." And I knew. I knew, dear brother, that you were gone. I hoped and hoped that maybe my gut feeling was wrong. That you had overslept and ignored your alarms and that's why your manager said you weren't at work. But shots fired? You gone? Never.
This entire thing is so surreal. You were kind. You were gentle. You were the Uncle who buys your nieces toys for Christmas that year we were too broke to. You were the Uncle that spent hours playing blocks and dolls with no complaints. You were the brother who talked with me until 3am because I had a panic attack. You were the brother who stuck up for me, even if I was wrong. You were the guy who volunteered your time to coach kids and share something with them that you loved. You were all of that and more. I'm broken, hallow, shattered into a million pieces and counting. I'm less of me, without you.
I'm not only mad of what they took from me. I'm mad of what they took from the girls. Mad that you won't get to see them go off to their first dances, hit their first home runs, open any more presents on Christmas, graduate, get married and their children. They would have had the best Uncle ever, because they already did. Someone took you away from them, and them, from you.
I don't know how to do this, Bub. I'm trying, but I need you here. I keep having breakdowns that I don't know how to get through. I have to move forward, I have to keep living. But I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't the hardest battle of my life. I have to be with my kids, but right now, I want to be with you. I'm thinking of you always.  Love Sis