Birthday

Today was my birthday. It was a very hard day. I spent the first part of my day laying in bed, sobbing, repeatedly saying out loud, "I want you back." It felt impossible to get through. I imagined you calling me early this morning or last night saying, "Happy Birthday!" You would have written a Facebook post talking about how I was your best friend and how much you loved me. I know, because you did this every year. We would have gone to the zoo this past weekend and had a great time. We would have looked at the lions and giraffes because they are your favorites, and the elephants because they were mine. The girls would have laughed and had fun, and we would have taken a million pictures. I can't go to the zoo this year, and today, felt hopeless.  I needed you today, but that was nothing new.
We celebrated on Sunday because I didn't want to leave my house today. But your sweet nieces told me they wanted to do something for my birthday, so of course, I had to let them spoil me, take care of  me. They've been doing a lot of that lately, even if they don't realize it. As we were leaving, an older gentleman told us that we have an absolutely beautiful family. I thanked him and started to tear up, and cried most of the way home. It was something I would have called and told you about. There's a lot lately I would have called and told you about, and instead, I write it here.
It seems like I cry almost all the time. If I'm not crying I'm zoned out into another universe. Then I have moments of panic attacks, moments when I freeze and literally can't move and other times when I'm so angry I feel like I could break someone in half. I know you are watching me. Watching me break, bend, trying to cope with this pain somehow. The truth is, right now hurts, but it's the thought that I will have many years without you in my life, that are the most painful. 5 years down the road all the people who are honoring you and remember you will likely have moved on. They will have their own things to worry about and all of this will be a distant memory for them. However, for me, this will still be very real, and very painful. I grieve for all the things you are going to miss in my life, and the girls' lives. They lost a major support person in their life. And with us not having many family members in this state, that was so incredibly important for them to have. You weren't just good at it either, you excelled at it.
Your friends have been reaching out to me a lot lately. Some even want to hang out. I love that idea, and I know you would have too. Getting to be with the people who loved you, the people who made you happy too, sounds like a great way to honor you. They remind me how much you loved me, and they remind me of you. Remembering you always <3

By the way, Analise has your obnoxious laugh. I love it.

Love and miss you so very much,

Sis