Finding Out and the Following

On May 1st, I spoke with you twice. We spoke at about noon while I was on my lunch break, and I told you how I felt awful because I was leaving the kids for the longest time that I had ever been away from them. I had never been a full 10 hours away from them and I was afraid they weren't going to handle it very well. You assured me that they would be fine, because they were raised well and because I was a good Mom and do "an amazing job with them." I told you I had to go and I went back to my day feeling better and like I hadn't became the worst Mom ever. We spoke again at around 5:30 after I had picked up the girls and we talked about my day, that the girls were fine, and that you were tired, sore and excited about practice that night. I let you go so you could go get ready, and as always, we said "Talk to you later. Love you. Bye" We always said I love you. It didn't matter if we would be back on the phone in 10 minutes, we always said it, even when you were at work. You usually called me on your way home from practice to tell me all about it, but that night, you knew that I had a long day and was going to sleep early per our previous conversation. I went to bed. However, that night around 11, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Saw your post at 9:57 pm, and assumed you were home, safe.

May 2, 2017
I woke up feeling sick. I decided to reschedule Adison's dentist appointment for that day. I knew you had to work, so I assumed that's where you were. I figured you would call when you got off. Instead, when I went to my room to study that afternoon after turning on a movie for the girls, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize at around 3:30 pm. It was your work. Asking me if I had heard from you because you didn't show up, which was very out of character for you. Obviously I didn't know what was going on, and living an hour and 30 minutes away from you complicated this. I called Mom and asked if she had heard from you, she said she hadn't and I could tell she was already worried. I told her I would figure out what was going on, and then I would call her back. I didn't call you dear brother. I think I knew in my heart that something was very wrong and I simply couldn't call you to hear that dead end. Not yet. I looked at the phone log, I saw the last phone call you received was from me that evening. I knew you better than to think you went that long without another phone call. Still, at that point, I was still hoping that your phone had died, and you over slept because you were tired from practice. But that late was troubling. I called Di to see if she would go check on you. I left her a message. Then I went to wishtv.com. There at the top of the page, your apartment building, with "Body found on South Side of Indy." My heart dropped. I read the details hoping it said it was female, but it didn't. I was in even more disbelief when it said "Shots fired call." How? How in the world does someone who hates guns, stays out of trouble and is gentle get gunned down? Why?  I tried to keep it together, after all, maybe you were just being questioned and weren't able to speak with me. Or maybe it is just an odd coincidence. I called IMPD and they put me on hold....for what felt like a life time. They directed me to the sheriff's department, who also put me on hold for quite some time. It took me almost 45 minutes to find out it was you. They gave me the number to the coroners office, I dialed and barely could spit out why I was calling. They asked me for things that could identify you. I told them you had a green mohawk and a tattoo on your upper arm. They confirmed that this, was most likely, you. I screamed, I sobbed. I scared my kids.
Then came the hardest thing I ever had to do. Calling Mom. Telling her that her son was dead was the single hardest thing I've done in my life. Spitting out those words. I said, "Mom, Kobi's gone." She said, "What?" I said, "He's dead, Mom." I don't remember much after that. The screaming between the two of us was too much. I knew next I had to call Casey, because I couldn't do this alone, and I knew, he loved you too. I don't even remember what I said to him, but he said, "I'm on my way." Then I had to call my dear friend. I had to have her help me until Casey got here. I didn't want my kids seeing me like that. I didn't know if I could even stand at that point. She held me while I sobbed on the floor. She sat right there with me being my anchor in that moment. She stayed until Casey got there and then she watched the kids while we went toward Indy. Mom was on her way to catch a plane home, so we decided we would meet in Daleville and caravan that way. So we could ID you. Tell someone, "Yes, that body belongs to us." We realized we wouldn't make it to the office by time it closed, so we had to wait until the following day to see you. To officially confirm that you were you. We turned around and went back towards Winchester, to be with Grandma, to be with family, to be with everyone else who loves you. I don't remember much of that evening.

May 3, 2017

We got up early, not that I slept much, or at all that night. I threw on something, dropped the kids off, and we left. I wanted to see your apartment first. I wanted to be where there was so much of you. We gathered a few things, and then we went to see you. Only 2 people could go back, Mom, and me. I won't forget that image. It's burned into my brain. I think until that point I had really hoped that this was all very wrong. That you were just off somewhere. That you were coming home and it was all just a really horrible nightmare. But it wasn't. There you were. Still, quiet, like I've never seen you. Next was my kicking session on the front steps where I probably would have broken my foot if not stopped. Then we were off to the detectives office. We needed answers. Answers they didn't have. I won't comment on the things that were talked about in that room. There are things that I know that no one will ever know, there are things that I know that very few know, and then there are the things everyone knows. I struggle with them all. Then we went directly to the funeral home to confirm your arrangements. To start the process of bringing you home. Thankfully, Casey's parents came to our house so we could handle everything without worrying about the kids. That was such a blessing, because being a parent and a grieving sister at the same time, was incredibly overwhelming.

May 4, 2017
We finished up your arrangements on this day. And I won't forget when the director looked at us and said, "He's here." Because when you were where I was, it was usually a much different feeling. A feeling of joy, a feeling of completeness. Then Casey and I drove to Indy to get your clothes. After walking around your apartment for quite some time in a daze, I wanted to go back there. The place you last existed. The place you died. It was rather unremarkable. Some wooded bank. But this wooded bank still had evidence of you. It was an eerie feeling to be back there, and also to be in your home, without you there. The home I just helped you move into, the home I was excited you were getting, and you were happy in. You were happy. The rest of this day is a blur. I know I spoke with reporters at some point, and the rest escapes me. Although I believe this is the day we told the girls. Up until this point, they had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to tell them and then not be with them, so I had to wait until we had a moment of time, to sit with our girls, and hold them while they cried.

May 5, 2017
Rushing off to Winchester this morning, we met my Mom at the local flower shop to plan your flowers for your services. I also finished up a phone interview with a reporter while in my car before walking in to the flower shop. After that, we drove to Indy to get your skate bag. They didn't need it for evidence any more and they thought that it could have your jersey's in it. I was hopeful. I knew that's what you would have wanted to be buried in. They didn't just give me your skate bag and everything that was in it, but other items you had purchased that night, other things that were on you. Some of those things I didn't want to see, but others, they were exactly what I was looking for. We had finally found your jersey. It was in a very large brown box with your name on it and the word "Evidence." It was by the detectives desk who also had a report with your name on it. Seeing your name by that word, "Evidence," it took my breath away. Then we went back to your apartment again to try to find things for you to wear that would match your jersey, since you were wearing your practice clothes and had some in your bag that was damaged, that was rather difficult. We stopped by a friend of yours work place so we could pick up some shirts. I believe this is also the day we stopped by Vital Skates to pick up our Rebel's shirts with your name on them. Then we headed back home so I could work on a slideshow for pictures. I stayed up late trying to finish it up and get it on a thumb drive for the funeral director.

May 6, 2017
We wake up early and head to Walmart to get some final things for you to wear for your viewing the following day. Then we head to the funeral home to drop off your clothes, the earrings and ring I received from the coroner and the flash drive of photos. Where I tell the funeral director I will take full responsibility for Kobi Walden's funeral balance. Where I sign my name on a piece of paper stating that I will pay whatever cost to give you the funeral you deserve. Where I had a moment alone with the director and told him I didn't want Mom to have to handle that. Where he told me things about your body that I didn't know up until that point. Answering questions I didn't know I had. Afterwards, we met with a pastor to decide what was going to be said about you at your services. I stressed how incredibly close we were, I talked about your relationship with your nieces, with Casey and our family. I talked about your friends. Your love for music, roller derby and Star Wars. We left feeling confident in the message we were sending you off with. Then we went home to try to see our girls for a while, and I, I had a eulogy to write.

May 7, 2017
The day of your viewing. We barely made it up and out of there in time. I had to put final touches on your eulogy before giving a copy of it to the funeral home. I had Casey read it before we left, and I had to get ready to view you. Something I couldn't emotionally prepare for. To see you in a casket, to see you still and quiet again. I remember pulling up to the funeral home so clearly. I could hear the music from one of the songs I picked to be on your slideshow playing outside the funeral home. I took a deep breath. We walked in, waited for Mom and started watching the slide show. Mom and I stood there, arms locked watching the story of your life unfold on the tv screen, tears streaming down our faces. We watched it more than once, I don't think either of us were ready to walk into the next room and see you. The funeral director urged that we needed to go now, before other people started coming in. So we had our people on either side of us, and again, we locked arms like we had years earlier, with you, before viewing Dad. I made it just around the corner, but as soon as I saw you, I fell to the floor. I was sobbing, maybe even screaming, Casey was there trying to calm me, and maybe someone else. I broke away. I left. I walked out of the funeral home, screaming, "I'm so fucking mad right now. Who the fuck just does this?" I had a trail of followers. I kicked a tree right outside, and threw up next to it. I stood there for a few moments, and knew I had to go see you. I couldn't get close to your for a long time. I stood towards your feet, staring at you. Paralyzed by shock. I didn't move. I didn't talk. I just stood there, with Casey holding on to me from behind, and I'm pretty sure holding me up most of the time. I didn't want to forget your face. Not even for a moment. I was there for quite a while, when I realized that people were starting to come in. The rest of that was crying and hugging. I went off a few times to just sit and be. Then before we left, they said we should each take a moment to be alone with him. I made Casey stay close outside the door, because I didn't know how I was going to react. I told you to stay close to me. To never leave me, because I knew I couldn't make it without you.

May 8, 2017
The day we were to say good bye. As we were getting ready to leave, I climbed onto my couch, grabbed a picture of the girls from the wall, and took it out of the frame. I had your eulogy in my hand, your light saber, and a picture of the girls. It was time to make the drive. I was breathing deeply, I couldn't cry or I wouldn't make it through your eulogy, and there were already several who warned against me giving one due to the worry that I wouldn't make it through it. I tried to stay strong. We got there before everyone else. I told Casey to put on "Hard Times" because it was a newer Paramore song that we hadn't the opportunity to sing together or talk about yet. It was the song you last shared on Facebook, and it was so appropriate for me in that moment, and for both of our lives. So I sang through choking up to you. I hesitantly went over to put your light saber in your casket, and when it hit your arm, and you didn't move and it didn't even bounce off your arm, I knew I didn't want to touch you. I placed the girls' photo next to your head, so you could sleep next to a photo of them, because I needed the photo of us that use to be by your bed, more than you did now. Everyone started to pile in to the funeral home. People kept wanting to hug me and I would tell them no. I couldn't cry. I had to keep breathing so I could read what I wrote. Everyone was finally seated, and then, the Star Wars theme song began to play. Your proper introduction. The pastor began to speak when it was over, and then, shortly after, it was my turn.


How crazy is all of this Kobi? This is my life now, how your life ended became my current life. It's what I do, it's what I see and it's what I think about constantly. I replay your final steps repeatedly just looking for some kind of sense to be made of this. Something. Instead I end up crying, feeling hopeless, and sad. Losing you would have been hard enough a more normal way, but this way? This way is way too much for me to take.