Seeing You

Kobi,

I can't walk into a room in this house without seeing you in it.

You are your coffee mugs hanging on the wall in my kitchen.

You are the memorial candle and blanket, pictures and Rebels awards in my living room.

You are the picture beside my bed, the DS in my drawer, and your shirts in my closet.

You are the pictures of the girls on the play room wall, the pictures that once hung in your house.

You are the Scentsy warmer on my desk, that was suppose to be yours.

You are the books on my book shelf that we use to spend hours talking about.

You are the empty chair at our dining room table.

You are the cat sleeping on my lap, the cat that use to be yours.

You are the tears your nieces cry for you, and also their smiles when they think about the memories with you.

You are the bracelet on my wrist, and your words forever inked on my arm.

You are the love in this house.

You are my heart, always and forever.

I love you so very much. I'm grateful to have you everywhere, even when it hurts.

Miss you

Sis

Loved

Kobi,

I've grown scared of being out at night, getting out of my car without people around, sitting in my car for any length of time and being in bigger towns. Much like after Dad committed suicide and I became terrified that every sad person would kill themselves. I began worrying about ending arguments with loved ones or seeing them heading down a dark road. A little over a year before your death, you were in a dark place, you were depressed.

I would tell you, "Don't do anything stupid, I need you ya know." You would respond with, "I won't, I know I'm loved."

I'm so glad you knew you were loved. I'm so glad that even when it would have been easier to check out of your own life, you stayed knowing you were important to your loved ones,  you stayed because you were loved, because I think you always knew, losing you would destroy me. You fought for your life, you ran to stay alive. I know you did this for Mom, your nieces and I know you did it for me.

I'm still running, Kobi. I'm running from who did this too. They are trying to take me with you, even if they don't know it yet. I'm running for Mom, my girls, Casey, and most of all, I'm running for you. I don't have to physically see you, to know you still love me. I know, Bub, I know. So I'm going to keep running, because I know I'm loved.

I love you, always have and I always will.

Sis

Spilled Milk

Kobi,

You've heard the saying, "No use crying over spilled milk." Well, today, there was. The weekend that I helped you move was a crazy weekend. We got to your house Friday evening and Casey and I helped you move all the big furniture well into the night into your new apartment. You were stressed about the move, but you were so hopeful and excited to see what new scenery could do for you. After a bad break up, this was the right move for you, of that, I had no doubts(at the time, anyway). I loved hearing you talk about your bright, bright future. All the plans you had for yourself, your team, and us. I loved it! I always wanted the best for you.

Saturday, the night after we moved your big items, I got up at 5 am because I knew you were freaking about not being moved on time. I wanted to get there bright and early to help you finish. On my way there I remembered you being worried about not having enough groceries to get you through the week, so I knew I needed to stop by Walmart and pick some up for you. I grabbed all of your favorites, chocolate syrup, milk, cheese pizza, even bought stuff for grilled cheese and tomato soup and told you that you needed to make yourself an actual meal. When I got to your apartment, I told you I had some stuff for you and opened the back of my jeep, that's when an entire gallon of milk fell out of the jeep and splattered everywhere! All over me, all over the ground, and all over my jeep. I wanted to cry out of frustration, but instead, we both laughed.

I spent that entire day helping you get settled into your apartment until you had to go to work, and then I stayed over after you left for work and put away your coffee mugs, made sure your Keurig was put together and working, I checked on the animals, and made sure Sammy was doing okay. I cleaned your couch and looked around at what would hopefully be a fresh start for you. How could I have ever known that would be the last time I would see your apartment before it would become this dark place for the both of us? I didn't. You said, "1485 is perfect. It's almost my birthday numbers. It's like it was meant to be."  I hope this wasn't meant to be. I hope it was just some horrible thing that just happened, because trying to think of this entire thing being meant to be makes me sick to my stomach. So today, when I went out to get the table out of the jeep that we used for your graveside birthday celebration, I saw what was left of a splatter mark from the milk that was meant for you. Instead of laughing about it today, I cried.

I was not thrilled about spending a Saturday moving heavy objects when I really wanted to be at home resting from my crazy week of clinical and parenting. But now, I'm so glad I got to spend that entire day with you. We talked, we laughed, and we just got to be together. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't trade you for the world. Even with the pain that I'm in now. And believe me, it's a massive amount of pain. I'm still trying to keep moving forward, for you, for these girls, for the hope that I will some day be able to stand in front of the person who did this to you, and ask them the one question that haunts me every single second of every day, "Why?"

I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration, I barely survived it. I miss you so freaking bad.

Love always,

Sis

Birthdays

Kobi, 

Your niece is two now. She turned 2 and you weren't here to see it. You won't be here to celebrate with us on Saturday either. I don't even know that I will be here to celebrate it on Saturday. I will probably be some place else in my head. I'm trying to do this parenting thing right. The only way to give them the life we didn't have is for me to be healthy. How do I be healthy mentally with all of this? I'm trying hard, but the tears keep flowing, the anger keeps seeping out and the fear is eating me alive.

On top of Ally's birthday, your birthday is coming up. How do we do this? How do we celebrate this day without you? You'd want me to. You have always made a big deal about your birthday, and I can do nothing less. It is a big deal, and it's an even bigger deal that someone took you away so you don't even get to celebrate it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated and sad. I'm more broken than I can describe to you. So broken.

I keep saying when I'm crying, "How are you dead?" "I want my best friend back." "I just want this pain to end." I don't know what else to say. I don't know what else to do. 

We take the girls to your grave for the first time this week. Your stone should be up any day now and I know I need to finally show the girls where you are now. I need to answer at least some of their questions. They want answers, Kobi. Like I want answers. But I can't give them all the answers they seek. I can't break their little hearts again and shatter their innocent view on this heartless world. I can't do it. But this, this I can do. I can show them where your body is now. I can cry with them and give them a moment to grieve. I can do that. It won't be easy, but I can do it, for them, for you. 

Stay close, Bub. I think some of the shock is wearing off and it's not good. 

I love you so much. 

Sis