Your niece is two now. She turned 2 and you weren't here to see it. You won't be here to celebrate with us on Saturday either. I don't even know that I will be here to celebrate it on Saturday. I will probably be some place else in my head. I'm trying to do this parenting thing right. The only way to give them the life we didn't have is for me to be healthy. How do I be healthy mentally with all of this? I'm trying hard, but the tears keep flowing, the anger keeps seeping out and the fear is eating me alive.
On top of Ally's birthday, your birthday is coming up. How do we do this? How do we celebrate this day without you? You'd want me to. You have always made a big deal about your birthday, and I can do nothing less. It is a big deal, and it's an even bigger deal that someone took you away so you don't even get to celebrate it. I'm angry. I'm frustrated and sad. I'm more broken than I can describe to you. So broken.
I keep saying when I'm crying, "How are you dead?" "I want my best friend back." "I just want this pain to end." I don't know what else to say. I don't know what else to do.
We take the girls to your grave for the first time this week. Your stone should be up any day now and I know I need to finally show the girls where you are now. I need to answer at least some of their questions. They want answers, Kobi. Like I want answers. But I can't give them all the answers they seek. I can't break their little hearts again and shatter their innocent view on this heartless world. I can't do it. But this, this I can do. I can show them where your body is now. I can cry with them and give them a moment to grieve. I can do that. It won't be easy, but I can do it, for them, for you.
Stay close, Bub. I think some of the shock is wearing off and it's not good.
I love you so much.
Sis
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