There is No Peace

Kobi,

Running use to be my happy place. A place I could escape my problems. A place I could leave all my problems behind and out run them. So of course I thought running would be good for me. I thought it could be good for me to get out my anger and frustrations and leave them behind. However, when I stepped on the treadmill today, something very different happened. I ran harder and faster then I ever have. I ran so hard I had an asthma attack, on top of my panic attack. I was getting tired, and then I got angry at myself. I thought, if you could run as far as you did, with bullets in the backs of your legs, then I could run and run and run. I imagined you running from the front of your building, to the back of your building being shot at, scared and with your broken leg, still running. So I ran until my lungs wouldn't let me anymore.

My happy places are no longer happy. My favorite things were your favorite things. My favorite things haunt me. You, haunt me. Going to the morgue, haunts me. Walking through the funeral home picking out your casket and your vault, haunts me. Seeing your name in stone, haunts me. Part of me is smart enough to know this is my PTSD talking. This will get better like it has before. I will some day have a clear head again. Some day. But that feels so far away. I need it to come sooner, rather than later. But I know my limits, and I know how much I love you, and I realize this is going to be an incredibly long and difficult process. I know there is no skipping steps, and my heart wouldn't let me if I tried.

These thoughts are invading. They are infecting me with a sickness that I can't shake. Tearing me from what little sanity I have left. Taking a step back didn't help. I'm trying to take a step forward into a busy life that hopefully leaves me less time to freak out. The only problem is, I always talked to you when driving. So that absence and emptiness is felt there too. I just need to talk to you. I need to ask you how I should do this. How should I do this, Kobi? We said this would be bad, but holy crap. We could have never imagined this. This early, this horrific, this way. You would tell me I can't dwell on this. I can't torture myself this way because it will eat me alive. I know it, but I can't stop it. It's like seeing a car accident happening but you can't do anything to prevent it.

I want to go back and see you. I want to go back to when my life made sense. I want that brief moment of peace and comfort back that I had in that dream. The one where I walk into my house and you are sitting on my couch and I tackle you. I wrap my arms around you and I don't let go. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you, how much I need you. I want you back. There is nothing else more profound that I could say than that. I want you back. I want my life back and I want you to have yours back.

I love you. And I miss you so freaking much.

Sissy