Touched

Kobi,

I knew the day of your viewing that it was going to be the hardest thing I've ever done(aside from identifying you), to see you in your casket. I knew I would lose it. And I did. I collapsed before I even made it to your side. I sobbed, and then I ran out yelling. I was screaming about how incredibly pissed off I was. Because I was, and I am. I threw up on a tree, took some deep breaths, and knew I had to go back in there. I walked slowly up to you, towards your feet, I wasn't ready to be that close to you.

I stood there at the end of your feet for what felt like forever. I stared at you, in shock, for quite a while. Casey holding me from behind, and I'm pretty sure keeping me upright. I looked at your face, coated heavily in make up. Your hands, with no black nail polish for the first time in a long time. Your uniform. Your hat. Your beard that was darker than usual. You lacked your usual color. You looked like you, but I noticed every difference. Every difference from when you were living.

However, I couldn't touch you. I eventually stood up by your head, but I never once touched you. I remember when I decided I couldn't. I put your lightsaber in, next to you. When I dropped it in, I saw it hit your arm. Your arm didn't budge. My heart sunk. And when I put in the picture of the girls, I reached over you, saying in my head the entire time, "Please don't touch him, please don't touch him."  I was barely breathing then. Somedays, I'm still barely breathing.

I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to kiss you on the cheek. I wanted to comfort you. And I regret it all the time that I couldn't do that for you. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to hold you and tell you that you are safe now. That I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. I'm so very sorry, Bubby.

The last time I touched you was on Easter. You had just said goodbye to the girls and given them all hugs and kisses, I just told them to go to bed. I asked you if you had everything. I told you to let me know when. you made it home safely. I kissed you and then we hugged, and I remember my hand running across your back in a comforting motion. We said we loved each other, and as you were walking out of my door, I told you to be careful and you said you would. I watched you get into your car and drive away. I wanted that to be the last time I ever laid my hands on you. When I could feel you breathing. When your arms were wrapped around me too. I hope you can understand that I wanted to remember you that way instead.

I love you so much. I miss you.

Sissy