Many people think that grief is simple. They think it's tears, sadness, a longing for life that is now lost. It's that, but it's also so much more.
It's wanting to live because someone took your life and now I have to pretend I'm living life to the fullest since you don't get to.
But it's also wanting to lie on your grave and die too.
It's crying with my kids and holding their sobbing little bodies in my arms while trying to explain the impossible.
But it's also trying to smile and enjoy the moment because they deserve it.
It's crying on my bathroom floor and then turning around and seeing my friends while pretending that I'm fine.
It's drinks for two, me and you. But also because, I need 2 drinks to make it through this evening.
It's being a proud parent and smiling in the pure enjoyment of parenthood, but it's also the horrifying realization that you will never see another milestone of theirs.
It's hopelessness while pretending to be hopeful. Doing interview after interview to convince someone to call in a tip to help solve your murder.
It's smiling because the sun is out, and in the moment that the wind blows really hard and I'm thinking of you, that I believe that you are with me in that very moment.
It's all of this, and everything in between.
This is grief. And I'm just living in it.
We all miss you. All the time.
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