Here It Comes

Kobi,

There is a box up in my attic that will break my heart in just about 6 weeks. It has Christmas decorations in it, and somewhere in that box are stockings with everyone's name on them. With your name on one. I'm not sure how I'm going to survive the holidays this year. December has always been extra hard for us, and it took me many years to finally find some joy in it again. Christmas was Dad's favorite holiday, the 23rd is his birthday, and on the 27th it will be 13 years since we lost him. He would wake us up at the crack of dawn and funnel everyone out to the living room where our massive amount of Christmas presents would be. Every. Single. Year.

When you and I were kids we would get put into the bathroom while they brought in the presents they bought. We would sit in there and talk about what we thought we got. Then come Christmas Eve, I would always ask you if I could sleep up in your room. You never said no. I would ask you every 10 minutes, "Are you still awake?"  I didn't want to be the only one who couldn't sleep on Christmas Eve. We would talk about tomorrow and come morning we'd be woke up by Dad saying, "Kobi, Kala, Santa was here!" We would run down the stairs and set our eyes upon the presents under the tree. It was usually around 5 am.

I have spent every single Christmas with you for 25 years. After Dad passed they were teary for a while, and then, I had Abby. Abby made us enjoy our favorite holiday again. Those girls breathed life back into us. They got mountains of toys and they slept in the same room when they got older and they got woken up by, me. I was too excited. I wanted to see their faces. I would wake you up before I woke them up and your head would pop right up. You were excited too. You would help us bring presents out and help me wrap and fill stockings. You were always there. Always. The girls haven't spent a single Christmas without you, or even without DeVon. He has a stocking too.

I am having the hardest time right now. I could pretend you got too busy and had to work on their birthday, although you always took it off. I could pretend we were all too strapped to go to the zoo on my birthday, and that you were too busy on your own. I can't, however, even remotely pretend that you would be anywhere else in the world, on Christmas. The Keurig we got you for Christmas last year is sitting in my house, and all the presents you got us are here too. I see them all the time. In fact, your very own ring is sitting on the elephant ring holder you got me.

I've only spent 2 Thanksgivings away from you. It just so happens that 1 of those was last year. Last year I went to Georgia with Casey's family, and the only time I spent it without you, was when we went to Georgia. Last year I almost didn't go. You were having a tough time, and then, while I was gone, Rho died. I felt guilty. I hated that you went through that while I was away. I spent over an hour on the phone with you and told you you could bury her at my house. I still feel bad that when we moved, we left your cat behind. I had thought about moving her out there, with you, but I could hear you saying "Ewwwww." in my head, and doing that little shiver thing you did, so I didn't. You're welcome.

We always made sure there were enough chairs at our table for the holidays. We always made sure there was a chair for you. When we moved we finally bought a new dining room table since ours was ancient. We bought an 8 seater, and when it was first moved into the new house, I stood in the doorway and stared at it. I imagined you sitting there, I imagined having our celebrations in that room. So now, we have 2 extra chairs in our home. I still had to make sure that we had room for you...

I love you. I miss you so much it hurts.

Sissy