I Know You

Kobi,

As I stood next to you, in your casket, I looked over at Mom and I said, "With Dad, I didn't know where we stood or get to be close with him the last few months of his life, but with Kobi, I know he loved me, I know that he knew I loved him, I know this because we talked about it. In fact, we talked about everything, I can have a conversation with him and say back to myself what he would say to me. I know him."

I know you. I go over a lot in my head, and I think about what you would say to me. Sometimes I panic and think I just need you here to talk me through this, and I do. More than you know, I do. But I already know what you would tell me to do. I know you'd want me to do whatever I have to, to get through this. You'd want me to do my absolute best to be the best mother and wife that I can be, but you'd want me to take care of me. You'd know how absolutely miserable I am feeling, you'd know because you'd feel this way too if this was reversed.

When I had panic attacks you'd tell me to breathe. "Take a breath, and take it one thing at a time." "You're going to be just fine, you've got this."

When I'm feeling like a bad Mother, " You are an amazing, Mom and you know it. They are going to be just fine because you won't let them be any other way." "You have good instincts and always make the best decisions for them."

You knew me better than anyone has ever known me. You could calm me down better than anyone. I may not have you here to tell me these things, but I know what you'd say. You've taught me everything I need to know. You've trained me well enough in you, and your opinions that I know what you would tell me. I know how you would react, and I know how you would want me to move forward. If anyone knows you best, it's me. I'm not being arrogant, it's just true. So I hope the steps I take in my life, are exactly how you would want me to proceed. Because everything I do from now on, I do with your words literally on my arm, your love in my heart, and your thoughts in my head. To the moon and back, and to the sun and back.

G'night Bub