Things

Kobi,

There are things that I know, that I wish I didn't know. There are images in my head of you and what happened, that I can't erase. There are words that have been said that I wish I had never heard. There are things that I know, that I can't un-know.

In finding out that you had died, there was a very blurry idea of how it happened. Media said it was in correlation to a shots fired report, the coroner's office wouldn't confirm this intially. I thought they absolutely had to be unrelated, or it was cross fire, right? As that image became clearer, so did all the supporting details. The blood splatter, the place you were found, the way you were positioned on the autopsy table, your bags sitting on the sidewalk, your empty apartment, and all the details given to me by the funeral home, the coroner and your detective. They all helped to paint these images of things that I know in my head.

Things I wish I didn't know.

Things I wish I could erase.

The things that haunt me every minute of every day. Things that keep me awake at night. Things that shake me to my very core.

I try to push these things out of my head with memories, with your laugh, smile and those big hugs. I try to power through to the other side of those haunting things to that time we took the big kids skating. It was practically empty and we had so much fun skating around with the girls. You fell on your butt and I made fun of you.

I power through to seeing "Through The Looking Glass," and we both got teary eyed when it was over because we were so proud of how it turned out.

I think of all the times you made me laugh so hard I cried, or I cried so hard I laughed.

Then I think of how devastated I am that you aren't here.

Then powering through turns into me being right back where I started. Thinking of all the things that paint the horrible image of how and why you aren't here anymore. Everyone says these images and thoughts will lessen over time. They will fade. They will get easier.

Maybe that's worse. Maybe the thought of me getting use to these thoughts or it being easier to handle terrifies me even more. I never want to get to a point where these images are easier to deal with. I want to stay here, right here. I don't want to move any further. I don't want to get further from the last time I spoke to you. I don't want to get closer to being at ease with these horrible things. These are things I will never be okay with. These are things that will always make me feel like puking. And you know what? That's exactly how it should be.

I'm going to keep trying to power through. Because I know the beautiful memories we have together, are more important to keep in my head, than the things I wish I could un-know, and the things that I wish I could undo.

Love you more than you know, and I miss you, every. single. second. of. every. single. day.

Sis