Anger

My best friend,

I tried to call you again today. Every time I do this I feel a little more insane, a little more out of touch with reality. How crazy does one have to be to keep trying to call someone so obviously dead? But apparently I'm all kinds of crazy these days.  Today, I was getting mad at a box because I kept trying to pull it out from underneath the bed to put more Christmas toys in it, and it just kept getting caught on the bottom of the bed. I got upset, and starting kicking the box. I thought I was angry at the box until I began sobbing and yelling, "It's not fair." I realized that it wasn't about this stupid box at all. It was all about you. Most of my emotions are these days. I'm emotional. I'm sad, I'm angry and I'm broken. I'm so incredibly broken. I hurt in places I didn't even know existed.

I know loss. I have lost a lot, we had lost a lot together. Losing someone to suicide isn't easy. All that guilt and pain. It's even harder when that loved one is your parent. That's a whole different kind of abandonment. That's an entirely different kind of hell. But losing someone to murder is a very different experience. Someone took you away from me and it didn't have to happen. You didn't make the choice. You didn't go on your own accord. You were scared. You suffered.  It wasn't a car accident, or an illness. Your body didn't fail you. And some day, I'm going to have to truly believe that I didn't fail you either, but I'm not there yet.

I'm angry. Angrier than I ever thought possible. I didn't know I could be this mad. I have no where to focus it. Currently, I'm placing it in all the wrong places. But not even knowing who to be angry at, makes it hard to point it in the right direction. So for now, I'm angry that we are so lax in our gun laws that these thugs can just buy them on the streets. I'm angry that an apartment complex didn't have better security and lighting. I'm angry that I wasn't on the phone with you that night, of all nights. I'm angry that I don't get to have you in my life. I'm angry that my girls won't have you in their lives. I'm angry that I can't talk to you, when I need you the most.  I'm angry that you aren't here, and you should be. I'm so incredibly angry.

You know, we had been texting and calling each other since we got our first cell phones in 2004. The year you went off to college and Mom wanted to make sure she could call you wherever you were. That's 13 years of calling you. 13 years of being able to pick up a phone and have you on the other line.  26 years of having you in my life. I don't think that habit is going to fade anytime soon. God, I never thought we'd be here. I thought I was just paranoid and worried because I was your sister, and that's what sisters do. How did we get here? I wish I knew.

Love you more than you know,

Your best friend