Kob,
It's been really hard to be a parent through all of this. It's been even harder to be a good parent. And there is a big difference. I've been doing my absolute best, but sometimes I yell about things I wouldn't normally yell about, and they very rarely have anything to do with what's actually happening in front of me. I'm not that angry about the kids shoving wrappers in their pretend oven. I'm not really that upset that they keep running around in a circle. It's me, directing it somewhere, and at anyone because it needs to get out. Somehow, someway.
These past couple weeks have been filled with parent teacher conferences for the girls. Yesterday, we went to the twins conference. It was filled with glowing reviews about how incredibly sweet, kind and well behaved your nieces are. They play well with others. They have great sense of humors, and they are on track with all of their skills. It's not at all what I was expecting. I got into the car and starting bawling. Casey asked me what was going on and I said, "I haven't broken them."
I have been so consumed with my grief that I was worried I had messed my kids up in some way. I could hear you saying, "Sweetie, you're a great, Mom. It's going to take a lot more than that to mess up all the great things you and Casey do for them." I hope so. I hope that all my sadness, frustrations and anger at your loss do not ruin them. I am trying to keep that from happening, but I miss you so badly.
I need my best friend. I need my sounding board. I need you.
I love and miss you more than you know.
Love,
Little Sis
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