I'm sitting up in bed playing on my computer, drinking a glass of wine, tears streaming down my face. I miss you. I feel like someone had their foot down to the floor on the accelerator because it doesn't seem possible it's already time for our first holiday season without you.
Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch drinking hot cocoa with the kids, watching "A Year Without A Santa Claus." Your movie. You had more Christmas movies than me, and I have kids. You loved Christmas. You loved watching the girls' faces light up when they walked out to see the presents and when they opened up their favorite gift. I always just loved having you here. I got you for a full 48 hours, and I loved every minute of it. I never thought you'd be an ornament on my tree. A memory we choke back tears talking about. I won't get to bake cookies and fudge to send home with you, and I should be on the phone with you about now talking about what time you are getting in on Wednesday. I never imagined this life for us, Kobi. I still regret not talking bout the what if's with you. Because I wish I knew how to cope now. I needed you. I still need you.
I'm trying to be fine. I'm trying hard because I know everyone thinks I have a timeline of grieving and then I have to cross over that imaginary sanity line. It's not that easy. I'm working through the stages in a whirlwind and at random. But no matter what, my head is still crowded with how. I don't think that's something you ever shake off. It's not something you learn to live with. You just try to push it to the back of your mind and try not to lose your mind completely when it surfaces. I keep picking out presents for you. It's hard not to shop for you. It was one of my favorite things. I loved making you smile. This year I get to bring you flowers to place by your head stone. Green Christmas lights around the base. And many, many of my tears. I keep hoping that every time I see another story about another murder or robbery that it's connected. That we've finally found your murderer. That I can finally tell this person what they did, because they don't really know what they took from this world.
They don't really know how incredibly broken I am.
The girls were really worried Christmas wasn't going to happen this year. So we went and bought a tree to put up. They like the colorful lights and I like the white, so we compromised and got one that does both. They were over the moon about it.
Of course, I had to add a touch of you. You kept this concert stub from the concert we went to together. I thought it would look better out instead of sitting in a box, and I added our picture.
We are always thinking of you and loving you. These next few weeks are going to be tough. Hold my hand.
I love you and miss you, every single second of every single day.
Sis
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