Grandma

Kobi,

I'm missing Grandma a lot tonight, but that of course also means that I'm missing you. I can't believe Grandma is gone now. Yours was sudden and unexpected, but hers was so drawn out that it almost seemed like maybe it would just never happen. We watched her fade away slowly, and I held onto her hand as much as I could, remembering every detail of her face. When I told her I wasn't ready for her to go, she told me it was time for her to be with you. She said, "Kobi needs me." And as much as I wanted her here for myself, I knew it was true. Knowing she is there with you is almost a peaceful feeling. I told her to tell you that I love you and that I miss you. Not that I haven't told you these things every single day since you have been gone, but in case you can't hear me, I wanted to be sure. I wrote Grandma this letter last year shortly before you passed, and I never got to share it with you.

  "I don't want to upset you, by any means, but I did just want to take a moment to let you know how much you mean to me. You have always been an anchor point for me in my life. Talking with you either on the phone, or just sitting down with you and having a conversation has always helped bring everything into focus. I loved when I got the opportunity to sneak over without the kids and I got to just sit and talk with you by myself. I enjoyed that so very much.          

        You read me like a book. You truly notice me. You know when I'm upset, stressed and you also notice when I'm happy. You know me better than I think anyone does. You even noticed when I was missing from a room as a child and you would always come find me and make sure I was okay. You always knew what to say in those moments to help me face the world again. In the storm that was my childhood, you were always my calm and steady.

        I remember after my Dad died and I was outside by myself crying. You noticed me, and you came out to talk to me and held me while I cried. I have never forgotten that. You let me stay with you and you let me sleep in the big bed where we talked. You were truly there for me. I  don't think I would have made it through without you. That was such an awful time in my life, but you supporting me through it all made it livable and I've always cherished that one on one time that I had with you. You also always gave me room to talk about my father. You never shied away from a conversation about him and sometimes in that moment, all I needed was to hear those memories. You always offered them. 

     When Dad did pass, most of his family went with him. You stuck around always. You and Pepa never backed away from us. Even when they wanted nothing to do with us and didn't invite us to our own Mema's funeral you took us to dinner after her funeral. Though we were hurting, you made us feel welcome and loved at a time we were feeling abandoned and unwanted. We've always been grateful for that. 

       You and Pepa have always been there for us. It didn't matter when Kobi came out, or I was pregnant and barely out of high school, or when I got divorced. We were terrified to tell you guys, but it never mattered to you. You loved us any way. You have showed us what true unconditional love is. I modeled Casey after Pepa and the kind, good, hard working man that he was. I hope one day I can be half the mother and woman that you are. But most of all, I hope that I made you guys proud. I wouldn't be the Mother or the person that I am if it wasn't for you. You were there in some of my most pivotal moments inspiring me to be better, and showing me the support that I needed. In all of the hardest parts of my life, you were there giving me guidance, helping me through. I don't know what I will do without you. 

      I am proud of you. I always tell people how smart, loving and funny my Grandma is. I have unfortunately known what it's like to have awful grandparents who had the ability to simply walk out of my life and not care to know how I'm doing. But I have also had the great privilege of having amazing, loving, supporting grandparents who I could not be more proud to have as my own. Thank you for that. Thank you for always noticing me, even when no one else did. I can't imagine my world without you in it. 

I love you very much"

I wanted her to know how much she meant to me before she passed. She called me some time later and told me how very proud she was of me, who I am, and the life that I've created. She told me that she knew I was going to be an incredible nurse and that I was going to change lives with my compassion. To say that the two of you have helped make me who I am, wouldn't even scratch the surface. When Dad died, it took a village to raise me and pull me through it, but you all rose to the challenge. I'm so grateful to have been raised by the most amazing people. I wouldn't be here without you, Grandma, and Mom. Give my love to Grandma, Pepa, Mema, Poppy, our Uncles, and Dad. But just for the record, I love you the most and I miss you so much.

Sis

Your Girls

Kobi,

This past Thursday, February 1st, marked 9 months that you have been gone. 3 more months until it's been a year that I've talked to you. That feels absolutely impossible to wrap my head around. On that same day, I had to fill out Kindergarten round up forms for your twin nieces, and it made me cry. The first thing I would have done is call you to talk to you about how big our girls are getting, and we would have thought back to when I first told you I was pregnant with them, and all of the sweet memories you have made with them. Instead, I sat on my floor bawling. Knowing you'd never see who these girls turn out to be, you won't know what kind of students they are, or what kind of activities they will be in. We did talk about it though. We talked about how Analise was so active and spunky that she would probably like to be in a sport like volleyball or basketball. We've always known Adison was going to be our dancer. She has loved to dance since she was a baby.

Then I started bawling, because I realized, Ally wasn't even 2 when you died. She isn't going to remember you at all. She isn't going to remember how immensely you loved her. She isn't going to know how you came to Riley to help with her big sisters while we got some worrisome news about her health. She won't know how you squealed on the phone when I told you that after months of trying, we were finally pregnant. She won't ever have her own memories of you. I will tell her how much love you had for that child, but she'll never know it first hand. It absolutely breaks my heart.

Abby is doing great at school after some much needed changes, changes you spent hours on the phone talking me through because I didn't know what to do to help her. She's still the great kid that she's always been. She's getting awards and recognized at school all the time for just being an incredibly kind, and good person. You have always been so proud of her, and I know you still would be.

These girls still talk about you regularly. Ally says your name, even if she doesn't know exactly what she's talking about. The 3 oldest kiddos though, they know exactly who you are, down to your favorite color and your favorite things to do. They know you, and they are always gong to know you. I would give anything to share all the girls newest adventures with you. Ally singing the baby shark song, Adison who is really into drawing these days, Analise who's liking one of your favorite shows, and Abby who is making all A's and one B. But I don't have to hear it to know you are proud of them, you always have been, and I've been sure to let them know.

My heart is so broken, knowing you aren't going to be making more memories with them. They deserved to have that kind of love in their lives, they deserved to be loved by you for longer, and you deserved the time to spend with them. I love you so very much. I miss you.

Sissy

It Takes Me Back

Kobi,

Memories of you and I, come and go often. They don't just come gently, they hit me hard and fast. They run me over and leave me drained and empty feeling.

Today I thought back to the day that you called me because Devon was hospitalized. You told me you'd be fine, as you were crying. But I looked back at Casey, and I told him I had to go. It was 10 pm, but I had to go get you. You couldn't be alone. You needed me. I drove to you, quickly. I waited in the waiting room of the hospital while you talked with him, and the moment you walked out, I rushed to you and wrapped my arms around you. I said, "You're coming home with me." You said through tears, "Ok." I could tell you were anxious. You were shaking in the car. You seemed to be holding it together, until you started crying. I reached over and grabbed your hand. I held your hand until you stopped shaking.  I wish I could just hold your hand and make all of this okay again.

Then I was spraying Tide scented Febreeze , and it reminded me of the last time I saw your apartment with you in it. I had helped you move the past two days, and the morning of the last day I helped you, I went to Walmart to pick you up some groceries and picked up some stuff to help you get the pet scent out of some of the items in your apartment. You wanted a fresh start, and I wanted to give you the best one that I could. Before we had everything all settled, you had to rush off to work. I stayed behind at your apartment and unpacked some things, set your coffee pot up and cleaned your couches. I wanted things to look better than you left them. Your apartment smelled like Tide, and I didn't even notice that I bought the same Febreeze at the store the other day. I fought back tears as I sprayed it in the living room, but then I kept spraying it in every room. Because even though it hurts, I love thinking of you.

The night that you died, I knew something was incredibly wrong. I didn't know what, but I paced my house after awaking from sleep, so completely unsettled. And ever since I found out, I have felt hallowed out. It hasn't a changed a bit. I miss you so incredibly bad. Everything about you.

I love you so much.

Sis

To The Person Who Killed You

Kobi,

This is to the person who killed you:

You probably think that my brother is just another name on your list, another collection to add to the bodies you've dropped. In fact, you may not even think of him as a person at all, but more of a way you just try to make money. But I also bet, you had no idea that the person you left for dead, would end up on the news, repeatedly. That you would be a wanted, hunted suspect. You had no idea that Kobi was so important to us, that we would do everything we could to make his story go nation wide, and we did. It didn't turn out quite like you planned did it?

Those hands of his held the hands of his nieces to help keep them safe. They turned the pages of books they would bring him repeatedly and he would never turn down. They played peek-a-boo, and initiated tickled fights more times than I can count. They held the hand of his little sister while we buried our father.

The arms you put several bullets into held his baby nieces countless times, while he sat studying their faces. They hugged his Mom, and the rest of his family.

His mouth held a smile that could light up a room. It formed words that could comfort me through the worst of times. It always let me know that everything would be alright. It talked with me for hours on the phone, in person, and to talk to his nieces who adored him.

The legs you wounded, they carried him around the track to perform in a sport he loved. They allowed him to crawl through tunnels, skate and dance with his nieces at their birthday parties.

You didn't just leave a body out there. You left a person. A person who was loved so immensely that the hole you left in our lives can never be filled. You've broken the heart of his mother, sister, brother-in-law, nieces and everyone else who truly loved him. You can not take back the damage that you have caused, and I'll never be able to heal it. If they ever find you, I can assure you of one thing, your life will forever be destroyed. You will never sleep soundly. You will be haunted. Your dreams will be so awful that you aren't even safe there. You will live in a hell much like the one you have sentenced me to. I'll be at every hearing, every chance you might have to get free.

You killed my brother, my best friend and you took away my girls' chance of having such an amazing, loving and caring uncle in their lives. You forever changed their future, not just their now. If you ever had a hope of me being the type of person who writes some big long speech about how I forgive you for the awful thing you did, you were mistaken. I don't forgive you. I will never, ever, forgive you. I wish you nothing but misery, and frankly, I don't care if I'm a lesser person for it. I would much prefer you were tortured, and set on fire, and you will have earned and deserved, every single moment.

From the incredibly angry sister of Kobi Walden

Kala

Drowning in the Waves

Kobi,

I am having a really hard time. The past couple weeks have really been emotional. We lost a lady we both loved and admired so very much, then on the 23rd it was her's and Dad's birthday on the same day we celebrated her life, we had your first Christmas Eve and Christmas away from us following that, on the 27th I cried as I remembered losing Dad 13 years ago, 2 days later I did an interview about your case, and then I tried to bring in the new year without completely losing my mind.

The day after Christmas, all of our decorations were put up by 6 pm and out in the garage. I couldn't handle looking at them anymore. I cried as I pulled them all down, thinking of past Christmas's. Then I kicked the side of the box a few times because I was so angry that you weren't able to be here this year. Then on New Years Eve, after the ball dropped and I said good night to my children. I sat on my bathroom floor, and I sobbed until I puked.

Today, today I'm haunted. I'm traumatized by what they/he did to you. I have been replaying it repeatedly in my head. And I can do that because I have your autopsy report memorized, and it isn't because I read it repeatedly. It's because it was so incredibly traumatizing to read, that I know and remember every injury you had. I know where the bullets entered, where they exited(if they did) and I know everything they hit on the way. I remember exactly how you were laying on the autopsy table. I remember everything. I wish I could forget. But that could be worse. Not to know what happened to you. I just wish we could find the only other person in the world who can fill in the blanks for me.

I hate this. I hate all of this. But I love you, so very, very much.

Sis

2018

Kobi,

I've had a lot of people come up to me lately and say things like, "I bet you can't wait for a whole new year." I smile and say, "Yeah, 2017 wasn't great." But I don't mean that at all. Not the part where I said "2017 wasn't great." Because it really wasn't. It was the worst year of my life. I don't agree with the part that I am ready for a new year. While it was the year you were taken from me, it's at least a year you existed in. It's a year I have memories with you. It's a year where your life was celebrated and your death was included in every murder statistic of the year. You were taken in 2017, but you were also remembered.

I'm not ready for your murder to be old news. I'm not ready for the lack of events to celebrate your life. I'm not ready for your story to become an unsolved thing from the past that just gets filed away. I'm not ready to leave you behind. I'm not ready to start a new year that you won't get to exist in. A year that you will have never lived in. I'm not ready.

So please, don't talk to me about how great a new start or new year is going to be for me. Because I lost 2 people that I love dearly this year, and I don't know how to move on to a new year without them in it.

I miss you so very much. I love you even more than that.

Sissy

Full Speed Ahead

Kobi,

I'm sitting up in bed playing on my computer, drinking a glass of wine, tears streaming down my face. I miss you. I feel like someone had their foot down to the floor on the accelerator because it doesn't seem possible it's already time for our first holiday season without you.

Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch drinking hot cocoa with the kids, watching "A Year Without A Santa Claus." Your movie. You had more Christmas movies than me, and I have kids. You loved Christmas. You loved watching the girls' faces light up when they walked out to see the presents and when they opened up their favorite gift. I always just loved having you here. I got you for a full 48 hours, and I loved every minute of it. I never thought you'd be an ornament on my tree. A memory we choke back tears talking about. I won't get to bake cookies and fudge to send home with you, and I should be on the phone with you about now talking about what time you are getting in on Wednesday. I never imagined this life for us, Kobi. I still regret not talking bout the what if's with you. Because I wish I knew how to cope now.  I needed you. I still need you.

I'm trying to be fine. I'm trying hard because I know everyone thinks I have a timeline of grieving and then I have to cross over that imaginary sanity line. It's not that easy. I'm working through the stages in a whirlwind and at random. But no matter what, my head is still crowded with how. I don't think that's something you ever shake off. It's not something you learn to live with. You just try to push it to the back of your mind and try not to lose your mind completely when it surfaces. I keep picking out presents for you. It's hard not to shop for you. It was one of my favorite things. I loved making you smile. This year I get to bring you flowers to place by your head stone. Green Christmas lights around the base. And many, many of my tears. I keep hoping that every time I see another story about another murder or robbery that it's connected. That we've finally found your murderer. That I can finally tell this person what they did, because they don't really know what they took from this world.

They don't really know how incredibly broken I am.

The girls were really worried Christmas wasn't going to happen this year. So we went and bought a tree to put up. They like the colorful lights and I like the white, so we compromised and got one that does both. They were over the moon about it. 

Of course, I had to add a touch of you. You kept this concert stub from the concert we went to together. I thought it would look better out instead of sitting in a box, and I added our picture. 

We are always thinking of you and loving you. These next few weeks are going to be tough. Hold my hand. 

I love you and miss you, every single second of every single day. 

Sis