The Floor

Bub,

I have a place on my bathroom floor, I often called you from that very spot. The place I go when life has me at my absolute lowest. I feel safe in a small place, so I shut the bathroom door, and I break down. I'm sitting in that exact spot right now. Sobbing, barely able to catch my breath. I don't even know what to say. I feel empty, alone, miserable and more sad than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel hollow all the time. I walk around as a shell of the person I use to be, the person you knew. I never thought I'd bury you. Never. I thought I would go first. It didn't matter that you were 6 years older than me, I was always the more unhealthy one. I expected for you to out live me, but I didn't want you to outlive me by much, because I knew that burying me would take everything out of you. Much like it has me. It still doesn't feel real. I don't know how to make that go away. I still expect to get texts and calls from you. I still expect to see you walk through my door. I pace at night and talk to you like you were here. Because if you were still alive I'd be talking to you on the phone. No one else is a night owl like me. So calling my friends at 1 am isn't something I can do, but I did it with you all the time. I knew you'd still be up. 

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months and we still don't know who killed you. How in the world does someone get away with this? How do they get to walk around on this earth when you aren't? You are better than them, kinder than them, all around a better person than them. Everyday is a battle for me. I have an opportunity to give my kids a good life. A life you and I discussed all the time. You should be here to take them skating, help plan their birthdays and attend them, watch them grow and turn into these sweet girls that they are. I'm so upset they took you from them. The girls don't have family that is local. They aren't going to grow up like we did with all the cousins and family around all the time. They won't have that.  You stayed close so they could have that. We just had no idea that the place you thought was safe and the place that you thought was a good home for you, wasn't at all.

Death is so weird. That's putting it lightly. You were here. And then in less than 2 months, you are gone, your home is gone, and everything that made you, you, is gone. I call your phone, I don't know why, but I do. Sometimes I can't call it. Sometimes it's too much. It's too much to not have you picking up at the other end. Kobi, you always told me when I was upset and really low, "It's okay, I'm always here for you, always" But you're gone. I know somewhere in my head you gave me the tools to get through this, somewhere. I just can't find them. I can't see how to get through this mess. I can't see how I'm going to survive this. To everyone else, I probably look fine. I'm not. I'm struggling. Help me. 

- Sis

Everywhere

You are everywhere. Everything reminds me of you. We took the kids away for the weekend because we all needed a breather, a reminder that life can be more than crying and grieving, it can also be fun. We pull on to the roads we once drove on to get to your apartment, we stay in a hotel next to your favorite roller coasters, rode water slides that you would have loved, played games you loved to play. I even go to the bar and order the drink we would drink together. Amaretto Sours. The same drink we had a few months back and got completely drunk. We took that ever flattering picture that is now my profile picture, because it reminds me of a time we were laughing together. The songs play in the car and I can't listen to some of them. One of them a song that we both loved, that now has a gruesome meaning for me. Bayside - Dead All Day.  "Well I've been dead all day. Could you tell? Could you tell?" Because the entire time you were laying dead behind your home, I had no idea. Because you were suppose to be at work, you were suppose to be alive. I feel guilty enough already, and that song doesn't help. 

I sat outside by the pool watching the kids play, watching the rollercoasters zoom past, all the while thinking of a happier time. When we brought the girls to King's Island. When I watched you spoil those girls and see that huge grin on your face. I miss that grin. 

Kobi, I'm trying to remember how much you loved me. But sometimes I think I get so sad that I just think that maybe I am just crazy and you were just doing what you were suppose to do as my brother. Sometimes I go back through messages and photos because I need to remember that love, I need to remember our friendship. 

We stopped briefly by your grave on the way home today. I parked on the other side of the church so the girls couldn't see where we were. I just wanted to make sure the wreath I made you hadn't became a huge mess. But I walked halfway there from the car, and could see it still out there. I couldn't walk any further however. My legs wouldn't move. They wouldn't go. I started to shake and went back to the car. I didn't say a word. 

I'm still struggling. I still need you around. I still feel you, so please don't go anywhere. 

Love you so much,

Sis

Nightmares and dreams

My mind is a wild place when I sleep. It always has been. Since losing you though, it's either a place of great peace and love, or sends me deeper into the Hell I'm already living.

Nightmare:
First nightmare I had was you walking into my bedroom, bleeding, telling me you didn't feel well. You fell onto my floor while I was rushing to your side. So. Much. Blood.

Dream:
You were just standing there, you told me this very simply, "I'm okay, I love you, and I did think about you." It felt so real, like you were truly talking to me.

Nightmare:
I replay your final steps in my head on a daily basis. Getting out of your car. Being terrified. Running for your life. The shots. Where you laid. How you were when they found you. How you looked on the autopsy table. How you looked in your casket, and then I imagine you laying in it. Just laying... This nightmare is exactly that, but with picture and sound. Like I'm watching it happen from a distance but I can't stop it.

Dream:
We came home from somewhere. I walked in and you were sitting there. You laughed and said it was all a joke. I wasn't even mad. I jumped on you and threw my arms around you. Even in my dream I could feel the immense amount of joy I had in that moment. The joy of holding you again. The joy of being with you again. I didn't want to wake up.

Nightmare:
I was going through your things, which I have quite a bit of. And instead of them being fine, like most of them are. They were all splattered with blood. I was getting mad because I couldn't understand why everything had blood on it.

You struggled with nightmares after finding Dad the way you did. So I know you are trying to help me through these, just try to push a little harder for those happy ones okay? I need more of them. Mom does too. I love you to the moon and back, and the sun and back. Missing you so very much.

Love always,

Sis

Lonely

Bub, I have never been so lonely in my entire life, as I am right now. I told Casey when I was crying on the floor the other day that I was just lonely. It sounds absurd I know, I'm surrounded by little girls, and I have a husband, an amazing one at that. I have all these great friends and great people, but I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss hearing you tell me about your day, I miss everything. It's a deep, longing kind of lonely. The kind of lonely that I can't escape no matter how hard I try, because the only cure for this lonely is, you.

People will ask me if we were close, I don't even know how to respond to that. A simple yes doesn't seem to even scratch the surface. Because I don't even know how to describe the relationship that we had. All my words seem too simple, they never seem to be enough. I don't know how to describe the pain I'm in. It's immense. It's constantly sharp. Sometimes I'm just not here all the way. I try to talk to other people and I try to make myself make sense, but I know I trail off. I know I'm distant, I know I'm stumbling and flailing around and I'm not just doing it in the privacy of my own home, I'm publicly and noticeably falling a part.

I went shopping at Target the other day. I remembered the last time you were here and you went with me. The entire time I pretended that you were there next to me. I even left you room when we walked through aisles and doorways. I looked over like I was looking at a physical person. I think once I even called your name. I remembered how we talked about how we are so alike in the sense that we basically walk down every single aisle and look at a billion things even when we went in for 2 things.

Sometimes it's hard to even just be in my own home. The last time you were here you came in late. You were tired from work and you fell asleep sitting up on the couch next to the girls. I put them to bed and then I went and put your feet on the couch and put your head on a pillow. I covered you up, told you I loved you and goodnight. I still look over on that spot on the couch and long to see you there, sleeping peacefully, like you were home. I would give anything to look over and see you there. I would give anything to have you back.

There are still so many times through out the day that I think about calling you. Calling to check up on you was a regular part of my day, and other times, it was me who needed to be taken care of. My heart hurts. This sadness is never ending. I still can't believe you are gone. I just want you back.

Love you more than you know,

Sis

Nieces

There have been a lot of times through out losing you, where I have known my heart was breaking. When I first found out, when we ID'd you, when I first saw you in your casket, the first time I tried to call you because I forgot, when I read your autopsy report, and again, tonight, when I went to bed and heard your niece bawling.

Abby and you were close. You already know this. From snapchatting, buying her her first skates and teaching her because she was scared to try, talking to her on the phone so you could tell her you were proud of her latest accomplishment, going to her games, parties, sleepovers, and everything else. You loved that child. You loved all of them.

So it was really hard for me to understand why she didn't really seem to be upset. Why she didn't seem to miss you. But apparently I was very wrong. She has been missing you, she has been crying for you and keeping it from me. She knew I had already been really upset lately. She said she didn't want to make me cry.

Kobi,  your niece adores you. They all adore you. When I went into their bedroom tonight, Abby was bawling her eyes out and I could barely understand her. Then I heard your name. I sat there holding your trembling, inconsolable, Abby Grace. I looked over and saw the twins with tears rolling out if their eyes. I told them all to come out into the living room and I would sit with them.

We sat there crying, and talking about you. About how we missed your laugh, your voice, and their top favorite, your hugs. I told them what I think I've known all along. We will get through this together. I told them I'm always here to cry on, or with or to talk about you. Whatever they needed, whenever they needed it. I stayed strong for you, for them.

However, sweet Analise didn't understand. She asked to see you and bring you pictures. I told her dying is like going to sleep forever and never being able to wake up, so they put you in a comfortable bed that closes, and bury you in the ground so you can rest peacefully. And then, they asked me how you died.

I hadn't thought about that question, Kobi. What I would say. How do I tell these sweet, innocent children that someone evil took you away from them? That such people exist and that while they get in trouble for not cleaning their rooms, this person isn't in trouble at all because we can't even find them. I couldn't find the words. I froze. I said nothing. Thankfully the moment passed. But I now know I have to decide how to answer that question. I know you would want me to protect them no matter the cost. So I will.

I'm sitting here watching them try to sleep.  Wrestling with the demon I wrestle each night, grief. I'm furious, broken and devastated all at once. This is hard.

Stay close to these girls, Bub. And me too. We need you more than ever as we battle through these waves. We love you more than we can explain, and miss you even more 💚

Love you more than you know,

Sis

The Plague

Somedays I'm determined to not let him take my life too. Somedays I'm a warrior. I get up, I play with my kids, I laugh even when I don't want to or really mean it. I have dance parties with my kids in the living room and I look at their smiling faces and for a moment I feel peace. Somedays I watch their softball games and pretend that I'm not thinking about you, lying in a grave. Sometimes I can even get out of my car without a single panic attack. Somedays, I'm incredibly strong.

But that''s not every day. Other days he destroys me too, Kobi. This plague takes over me and I'm helpless in my own skin. I can't move for fear of being killed. I won't take my kids where they need to go because what if something happens to them. Somedays I can't get out of my car by myself because I'm scared I will be shot too. Somedays this person who did this to you destroys my life in more ways than taking you away. Although, if I had you here, I know I could defeat everything else. I could get through everything else. I could be okay. My chest would stop hurting and my stomach would no longer be in a knot. But you aren't here.

Today, I'm fighting for my life back. Today, I'm trying to breathe without it hurting. Today, I'm fighting for justice.  Today, I will smile and try to mean it. Today, is no different than the past 35 days. I'm fighting for my life back, I'm fighting for you.

Take a deep breath, Kay. And just move your damn feet.

Love and miss you always,

Sis

Finding Out and the Following

On May 1st, I spoke with you twice. We spoke at about noon while I was on my lunch break, and I told you how I felt awful because I was leaving the kids for the longest time that I had ever been away from them. I had never been a full 10 hours away from them and I was afraid they weren't going to handle it very well. You assured me that they would be fine, because they were raised well and because I was a good Mom and do "an amazing job with them." I told you I had to go and I went back to my day feeling better and like I hadn't became the worst Mom ever. We spoke again at around 5:30 after I had picked up the girls and we talked about my day, that the girls were fine, and that you were tired, sore and excited about practice that night. I let you go so you could go get ready, and as always, we said "Talk to you later. Love you. Bye" We always said I love you. It didn't matter if we would be back on the phone in 10 minutes, we always said it, even when you were at work. You usually called me on your way home from practice to tell me all about it, but that night, you knew that I had a long day and was going to sleep early per our previous conversation. I went to bed. However, that night around 11, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. Saw your post at 9:57 pm, and assumed you were home, safe.

May 2, 2017
I woke up feeling sick. I decided to reschedule Adison's dentist appointment for that day. I knew you had to work, so I assumed that's where you were. I figured you would call when you got off. Instead, when I went to my room to study that afternoon after turning on a movie for the girls, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize at around 3:30 pm. It was your work. Asking me if I had heard from you because you didn't show up, which was very out of character for you. Obviously I didn't know what was going on, and living an hour and 30 minutes away from you complicated this. I called Mom and asked if she had heard from you, she said she hadn't and I could tell she was already worried. I told her I would figure out what was going on, and then I would call her back. I didn't call you dear brother. I think I knew in my heart that something was very wrong and I simply couldn't call you to hear that dead end. Not yet. I looked at the phone log, I saw the last phone call you received was from me that evening. I knew you better than to think you went that long without another phone call. Still, at that point, I was still hoping that your phone had died, and you over slept because you were tired from practice. But that late was troubling. I called Di to see if she would go check on you. I left her a message. Then I went to wishtv.com. There at the top of the page, your apartment building, with "Body found on South Side of Indy." My heart dropped. I read the details hoping it said it was female, but it didn't. I was in even more disbelief when it said "Shots fired call." How? How in the world does someone who hates guns, stays out of trouble and is gentle get gunned down? Why?  I tried to keep it together, after all, maybe you were just being questioned and weren't able to speak with me. Or maybe it is just an odd coincidence. I called IMPD and they put me on hold....for what felt like a life time. They directed me to the sheriff's department, who also put me on hold for quite some time. It took me almost 45 minutes to find out it was you. They gave me the number to the coroners office, I dialed and barely could spit out why I was calling. They asked me for things that could identify you. I told them you had a green mohawk and a tattoo on your upper arm. They confirmed that this, was most likely, you. I screamed, I sobbed. I scared my kids.
Then came the hardest thing I ever had to do. Calling Mom. Telling her that her son was dead was the single hardest thing I've done in my life. Spitting out those words. I said, "Mom, Kobi's gone." She said, "What?" I said, "He's dead, Mom." I don't remember much after that. The screaming between the two of us was too much. I knew next I had to call Casey, because I couldn't do this alone, and I knew, he loved you too. I don't even remember what I said to him, but he said, "I'm on my way." Then I had to call my dear friend. I had to have her help me until Casey got here. I didn't want my kids seeing me like that. I didn't know if I could even stand at that point. She held me while I sobbed on the floor. She sat right there with me being my anchor in that moment. She stayed until Casey got there and then she watched the kids while we went toward Indy. Mom was on her way to catch a plane home, so we decided we would meet in Daleville and caravan that way. So we could ID you. Tell someone, "Yes, that body belongs to us." We realized we wouldn't make it to the office by time it closed, so we had to wait until the following day to see you. To officially confirm that you were you. We turned around and went back towards Winchester, to be with Grandma, to be with family, to be with everyone else who loves you. I don't remember much of that evening.

May 3, 2017

We got up early, not that I slept much, or at all that night. I threw on something, dropped the kids off, and we left. I wanted to see your apartment first. I wanted to be where there was so much of you. We gathered a few things, and then we went to see you. Only 2 people could go back, Mom, and me. I won't forget that image. It's burned into my brain. I think until that point I had really hoped that this was all very wrong. That you were just off somewhere. That you were coming home and it was all just a really horrible nightmare. But it wasn't. There you were. Still, quiet, like I've never seen you. Next was my kicking session on the front steps where I probably would have broken my foot if not stopped. Then we were off to the detectives office. We needed answers. Answers they didn't have. I won't comment on the things that were talked about in that room. There are things that I know that no one will ever know, there are things that I know that very few know, and then there are the things everyone knows. I struggle with them all. Then we went directly to the funeral home to confirm your arrangements. To start the process of bringing you home. Thankfully, Casey's parents came to our house so we could handle everything without worrying about the kids. That was such a blessing, because being a parent and a grieving sister at the same time, was incredibly overwhelming.

May 4, 2017
We finished up your arrangements on this day. And I won't forget when the director looked at us and said, "He's here." Because when you were where I was, it was usually a much different feeling. A feeling of joy, a feeling of completeness. Then Casey and I drove to Indy to get your clothes. After walking around your apartment for quite some time in a daze, I wanted to go back there. The place you last existed. The place you died. It was rather unremarkable. Some wooded bank. But this wooded bank still had evidence of you. It was an eerie feeling to be back there, and also to be in your home, without you there. The home I just helped you move into, the home I was excited you were getting, and you were happy in. You were happy. The rest of this day is a blur. I know I spoke with reporters at some point, and the rest escapes me. Although I believe this is the day we told the girls. Up until this point, they had no idea what was going on, but I didn't want to tell them and then not be with them, so I had to wait until we had a moment of time, to sit with our girls, and hold them while they cried.

May 5, 2017
Rushing off to Winchester this morning, we met my Mom at the local flower shop to plan your flowers for your services. I also finished up a phone interview with a reporter while in my car before walking in to the flower shop. After that, we drove to Indy to get your skate bag. They didn't need it for evidence any more and they thought that it could have your jersey's in it. I was hopeful. I knew that's what you would have wanted to be buried in. They didn't just give me your skate bag and everything that was in it, but other items you had purchased that night, other things that were on you. Some of those things I didn't want to see, but others, they were exactly what I was looking for. We had finally found your jersey. It was in a very large brown box with your name on it and the word "Evidence." It was by the detectives desk who also had a report with your name on it. Seeing your name by that word, "Evidence," it took my breath away. Then we went back to your apartment again to try to find things for you to wear that would match your jersey, since you were wearing your practice clothes and had some in your bag that was damaged, that was rather difficult. We stopped by a friend of yours work place so we could pick up some shirts. I believe this is also the day we stopped by Vital Skates to pick up our Rebel's shirts with your name on them. Then we headed back home so I could work on a slideshow for pictures. I stayed up late trying to finish it up and get it on a thumb drive for the funeral director.

May 6, 2017
We wake up early and head to Walmart to get some final things for you to wear for your viewing the following day. Then we head to the funeral home to drop off your clothes, the earrings and ring I received from the coroner and the flash drive of photos. Where I tell the funeral director I will take full responsibility for Kobi Walden's funeral balance. Where I sign my name on a piece of paper stating that I will pay whatever cost to give you the funeral you deserve. Where I had a moment alone with the director and told him I didn't want Mom to have to handle that. Where he told me things about your body that I didn't know up until that point. Answering questions I didn't know I had. Afterwards, we met with a pastor to decide what was going to be said about you at your services. I stressed how incredibly close we were, I talked about your relationship with your nieces, with Casey and our family. I talked about your friends. Your love for music, roller derby and Star Wars. We left feeling confident in the message we were sending you off with. Then we went home to try to see our girls for a while, and I, I had a eulogy to write.

May 7, 2017
The day of your viewing. We barely made it up and out of there in time. I had to put final touches on your eulogy before giving a copy of it to the funeral home. I had Casey read it before we left, and I had to get ready to view you. Something I couldn't emotionally prepare for. To see you in a casket, to see you still and quiet again. I remember pulling up to the funeral home so clearly. I could hear the music from one of the songs I picked to be on your slideshow playing outside the funeral home. I took a deep breath. We walked in, waited for Mom and started watching the slide show. Mom and I stood there, arms locked watching the story of your life unfold on the tv screen, tears streaming down our faces. We watched it more than once, I don't think either of us were ready to walk into the next room and see you. The funeral director urged that we needed to go now, before other people started coming in. So we had our people on either side of us, and again, we locked arms like we had years earlier, with you, before viewing Dad. I made it just around the corner, but as soon as I saw you, I fell to the floor. I was sobbing, maybe even screaming, Casey was there trying to calm me, and maybe someone else. I broke away. I left. I walked out of the funeral home, screaming, "I'm so fucking mad right now. Who the fuck just does this?" I had a trail of followers. I kicked a tree right outside, and threw up next to it. I stood there for a few moments, and knew I had to go see you. I couldn't get close to your for a long time. I stood towards your feet, staring at you. Paralyzed by shock. I didn't move. I didn't talk. I just stood there, with Casey holding on to me from behind, and I'm pretty sure holding me up most of the time. I didn't want to forget your face. Not even for a moment. I was there for quite a while, when I realized that people were starting to come in. The rest of that was crying and hugging. I went off a few times to just sit and be. Then before we left, they said we should each take a moment to be alone with him. I made Casey stay close outside the door, because I didn't know how I was going to react. I told you to stay close to me. To never leave me, because I knew I couldn't make it without you.

May 8, 2017
The day we were to say good bye. As we were getting ready to leave, I climbed onto my couch, grabbed a picture of the girls from the wall, and took it out of the frame. I had your eulogy in my hand, your light saber, and a picture of the girls. It was time to make the drive. I was breathing deeply, I couldn't cry or I wouldn't make it through your eulogy, and there were already several who warned against me giving one due to the worry that I wouldn't make it through it. I tried to stay strong. We got there before everyone else. I told Casey to put on "Hard Times" because it was a newer Paramore song that we hadn't the opportunity to sing together or talk about yet. It was the song you last shared on Facebook, and it was so appropriate for me in that moment, and for both of our lives. So I sang through choking up to you. I hesitantly went over to put your light saber in your casket, and when it hit your arm, and you didn't move and it didn't even bounce off your arm, I knew I didn't want to touch you. I placed the girls' photo next to your head, so you could sleep next to a photo of them, because I needed the photo of us that use to be by your bed, more than you did now. Everyone started to pile in to the funeral home. People kept wanting to hug me and I would tell them no. I couldn't cry. I had to keep breathing so I could read what I wrote. Everyone was finally seated, and then, the Star Wars theme song began to play. Your proper introduction. The pastor began to speak when it was over, and then, shortly after, it was my turn.


How crazy is all of this Kobi? This is my life now, how your life ended became my current life. It's what I do, it's what I see and it's what I think about constantly. I replay your final steps repeatedly just looking for some kind of sense to be made of this. Something. Instead I end up crying, feeling hopeless, and sad. Losing you would have been hard enough a more normal way, but this way? This way is way too much for me to take.