My mind is a wild place when I sleep. It always has been. Since losing you though, it's either a place of great peace and love, or sends me deeper into the Hell I'm already living.
Nightmare:
First nightmare I had was you walking into my bedroom, bleeding, telling me you didn't feel well. You fell onto my floor while I was rushing to your side. So. Much. Blood.
Dream:
You were just standing there, you told me this very simply, "I'm okay, I love you, and I did think about you." It felt so real, like you were truly talking to me.
Nightmare:
I replay your final steps in my head on a daily basis. Getting out of your car. Being terrified. Running for your life. The shots. Where you laid. How you were when they found you. How you looked on the autopsy table. How you looked in your casket, and then I imagine you laying in it. Just laying... This nightmare is exactly that, but with picture and sound. Like I'm watching it happen from a distance but I can't stop it.
Dream:
We came home from somewhere. I walked in and you were sitting there. You laughed and said it was all a joke. I wasn't even mad. I jumped on you and threw my arms around you. Even in my dream I could feel the immense amount of joy I had in that moment. The joy of holding you again. The joy of being with you again. I didn't want to wake up.
Nightmare:
I was going through your things, which I have quite a bit of. And instead of them being fine, like most of them are. They were all splattered with blood. I was getting mad because I couldn't understand why everything had blood on it.
You struggled with nightmares after finding Dad the way you did. So I know you are trying to help me through these, just try to push a little harder for those happy ones okay? I need more of them. Mom does too. I love you to the moon and back, and the sun and back. Missing you so very much.
Love always,
Sis
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