Somedays I'm determined to not let him take my life too. Somedays I'm a warrior. I get up, I play with my kids, I laugh even when I don't want to or really mean it. I have dance parties with my kids in the living room and I look at their smiling faces and for a moment I feel peace. Somedays I watch their softball games and pretend that I'm not thinking about you, lying in a grave. Sometimes I can even get out of my car without a single panic attack. Somedays, I'm incredibly strong.
But that''s not every day. Other days he destroys me too, Kobi. This plague takes over me and I'm helpless in my own skin. I can't move for fear of being killed. I won't take my kids where they need to go because what if something happens to them. Somedays I can't get out of my car by myself because I'm scared I will be shot too. Somedays this person who did this to you destroys my life in more ways than taking you away. Although, if I had you here, I know I could defeat everything else. I could get through everything else. I could be okay. My chest would stop hurting and my stomach would no longer be in a knot. But you aren't here.
Today, I'm fighting for my life back. Today, I'm trying to breathe without it hurting. Today, I'm fighting for justice. Today, I will smile and try to mean it. Today, is no different than the past 35 days. I'm fighting for my life back, I'm fighting for you.
Take a deep breath, Kay. And just move your damn feet.
Love and miss you always,
Sis
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