Nieces

There have been a lot of times through out losing you, where I have known my heart was breaking. When I first found out, when we ID'd you, when I first saw you in your casket, the first time I tried to call you because I forgot, when I read your autopsy report, and again, tonight, when I went to bed and heard your niece bawling.

Abby and you were close. You already know this. From snapchatting, buying her her first skates and teaching her because she was scared to try, talking to her on the phone so you could tell her you were proud of her latest accomplishment, going to her games, parties, sleepovers, and everything else. You loved that child. You loved all of them.

So it was really hard for me to understand why she didn't really seem to be upset. Why she didn't seem to miss you. But apparently I was very wrong. She has been missing you, she has been crying for you and keeping it from me. She knew I had already been really upset lately. She said she didn't want to make me cry.

Kobi,  your niece adores you. They all adore you. When I went into their bedroom tonight, Abby was bawling her eyes out and I could barely understand her. Then I heard your name. I sat there holding your trembling, inconsolable, Abby Grace. I looked over and saw the twins with tears rolling out if their eyes. I told them all to come out into the living room and I would sit with them.

We sat there crying, and talking about you. About how we missed your laugh, your voice, and their top favorite, your hugs. I told them what I think I've known all along. We will get through this together. I told them I'm always here to cry on, or with or to talk about you. Whatever they needed, whenever they needed it. I stayed strong for you, for them.

However, sweet Analise didn't understand. She asked to see you and bring you pictures. I told her dying is like going to sleep forever and never being able to wake up, so they put you in a comfortable bed that closes, and bury you in the ground so you can rest peacefully. And then, they asked me how you died.

I hadn't thought about that question, Kobi. What I would say. How do I tell these sweet, innocent children that someone evil took you away from them? That such people exist and that while they get in trouble for not cleaning their rooms, this person isn't in trouble at all because we can't even find them. I couldn't find the words. I froze. I said nothing. Thankfully the moment passed. But I now know I have to decide how to answer that question. I know you would want me to protect them no matter the cost. So I will.

I'm sitting here watching them try to sleep.  Wrestling with the demon I wrestle each night, grief. I'm furious, broken and devastated all at once. This is hard.

Stay close to these girls, Bub. And me too. We need you more than ever as we battle through these waves. We love you more than we can explain, and miss you even more 💚

Love you more than you know,

Sis