Lonely

Bub, I have never been so lonely in my entire life, as I am right now. I told Casey when I was crying on the floor the other day that I was just lonely. It sounds absurd I know, I'm surrounded by little girls, and I have a husband, an amazing one at that. I have all these great friends and great people, but I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hearing you laugh, I miss hearing you tell me about your day, I miss everything. It's a deep, longing kind of lonely. The kind of lonely that I can't escape no matter how hard I try, because the only cure for this lonely is, you.

People will ask me if we were close, I don't even know how to respond to that. A simple yes doesn't seem to even scratch the surface. Because I don't even know how to describe the relationship that we had. All my words seem too simple, they never seem to be enough. I don't know how to describe the pain I'm in. It's immense. It's constantly sharp. Sometimes I'm just not here all the way. I try to talk to other people and I try to make myself make sense, but I know I trail off. I know I'm distant, I know I'm stumbling and flailing around and I'm not just doing it in the privacy of my own home, I'm publicly and noticeably falling a part.

I went shopping at Target the other day. I remembered the last time you were here and you went with me. The entire time I pretended that you were there next to me. I even left you room when we walked through aisles and doorways. I looked over like I was looking at a physical person. I think once I even called your name. I remembered how we talked about how we are so alike in the sense that we basically walk down every single aisle and look at a billion things even when we went in for 2 things.

Sometimes it's hard to even just be in my own home. The last time you were here you came in late. You were tired from work and you fell asleep sitting up on the couch next to the girls. I put them to bed and then I went and put your feet on the couch and put your head on a pillow. I covered you up, told you I loved you and goodnight. I still look over on that spot on the couch and long to see you there, sleeping peacefully, like you were home. I would give anything to look over and see you there. I would give anything to have you back.

There are still so many times through out the day that I think about calling you. Calling to check up on you was a regular part of my day, and other times, it was me who needed to be taken care of. My heart hurts. This sadness is never ending. I still can't believe you are gone. I just want you back.

Love you more than you know,

Sis