Everywhere

You are everywhere. Everything reminds me of you. We took the kids away for the weekend because we all needed a breather, a reminder that life can be more than crying and grieving, it can also be fun. We pull on to the roads we once drove on to get to your apartment, we stay in a hotel next to your favorite roller coasters, rode water slides that you would have loved, played games you loved to play. I even go to the bar and order the drink we would drink together. Amaretto Sours. The same drink we had a few months back and got completely drunk. We took that ever flattering picture that is now my profile picture, because it reminds me of a time we were laughing together. The songs play in the car and I can't listen to some of them. One of them a song that we both loved, that now has a gruesome meaning for me. Bayside - Dead All Day.  "Well I've been dead all day. Could you tell? Could you tell?" Because the entire time you were laying dead behind your home, I had no idea. Because you were suppose to be at work, you were suppose to be alive. I feel guilty enough already, and that song doesn't help. 

I sat outside by the pool watching the kids play, watching the rollercoasters zoom past, all the while thinking of a happier time. When we brought the girls to King's Island. When I watched you spoil those girls and see that huge grin on your face. I miss that grin. 

Kobi, I'm trying to remember how much you loved me. But sometimes I think I get so sad that I just think that maybe I am just crazy and you were just doing what you were suppose to do as my brother. Sometimes I go back through messages and photos because I need to remember that love, I need to remember our friendship. 

We stopped briefly by your grave on the way home today. I parked on the other side of the church so the girls couldn't see where we were. I just wanted to make sure the wreath I made you hadn't became a huge mess. But I walked halfway there from the car, and could see it still out there. I couldn't walk any further however. My legs wouldn't move. They wouldn't go. I started to shake and went back to the car. I didn't say a word. 

I'm still struggling. I still need you around. I still feel you, so please don't go anywhere. 

Love you so much,

Sis