Next to You

Kobi,

I was going through pictures the other day, and I noticed something I hadn't before. In almost every picture that we are in together, we are right beside each other, or close together. Even in photos of us walking, we are usually walking side by side. I have always gravitated toward you. It's always where I've wanted to be.

You were bouncing around the idea of moving back to Indiana when you lived in Ohio. You were at my house at the time, and I told you, "I wish you would come back home. I always feel better when you are around, more at ease, and my anxiety is much better. I love it when you are here." It wasn't long after that you told me you guys were moving back to Indy. You said you had gotten a better job offer, but I know it was partially because at the time, I was unraveling emotionally. I've battled with severe anxiety my entire life. I remember being terrified of even the smallest things when I was kid, and I've always over thought everything. You've always been around to talk me down.

I've always known what it was like to lose family. To be expecting them at events and having them be absent because their time was up before you were ready. I always told Casey that if something ever happened to you, that it would be really, really bad. Not just because you were my brother, but because you were my person. I lost the person I expect to see at family gatherings, but I also lost the person I would call at 7 am because some car just cut in front of me and really ticked me off. A phone call like that from one another, wouldn't have surprised us one bit. And we both would have said that person was a jerk. I lost the person I would walk through fire for. The person who would do the same for me. I lost 2 in one. But I also lost the main support system I had for my girls. The girls who had their 5th birthday party on Saturday and instead of having a happy Mom had a sobbing, hiding in the bathroom Mom. A Mom I never wanted to be.

I'm still trying to adjust, and now that the shock has worn off, I feel myself falling into a deep depression. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to stay in my bubble and let the rest of the world fall away. I know I need my people, but right now, all I want is you.

Sometimes I still look to my side and expect to see you there. Talking to me, playing on your phone, laughing, existing. I miss you more than I could ever put into words. I love you so very much.

Touched

Kobi,

I knew the day of your viewing that it was going to be the hardest thing I've ever done(aside from identifying you), to see you in your casket. I knew I would lose it. And I did. I collapsed before I even made it to your side. I sobbed, and then I ran out yelling. I was screaming about how incredibly pissed off I was. Because I was, and I am. I threw up on a tree, took some deep breaths, and knew I had to go back in there. I walked slowly up to you, towards your feet, I wasn't ready to be that close to you.

I stood there at the end of your feet for what felt like forever. I stared at you, in shock, for quite a while. Casey holding me from behind, and I'm pretty sure keeping me upright. I looked at your face, coated heavily in make up. Your hands, with no black nail polish for the first time in a long time. Your uniform. Your hat. Your beard that was darker than usual. You lacked your usual color. You looked like you, but I noticed every difference. Every difference from when you were living.

However, I couldn't touch you. I eventually stood up by your head, but I never once touched you. I remember when I decided I couldn't. I put your lightsaber in, next to you. When I dropped it in, I saw it hit your arm. Your arm didn't budge. My heart sunk. And when I put in the picture of the girls, I reached over you, saying in my head the entire time, "Please don't touch him, please don't touch him."  I was barely breathing then. Somedays, I'm still barely breathing.

I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to kiss you on the cheek. I wanted to comfort you. And I regret it all the time that I couldn't do that for you. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted to hold you and tell you that you are safe now. That I won't let anyone hurt you anymore. I'm so very sorry, Bubby.

The last time I touched you was on Easter. You had just said goodbye to the girls and given them all hugs and kisses, I just told them to go to bed. I asked you if you had everything. I told you to let me know when. you made it home safely. I kissed you and then we hugged, and I remember my hand running across your back in a comforting motion. We said we loved each other, and as you were walking out of my door, I told you to be careful and you said you would. I watched you get into your car and drive away. I wanted that to be the last time I ever laid my hands on you. When I could feel you breathing. When your arms were wrapped around me too. I hope you can understand that I wanted to remember you that way instead.

I love you so much. I miss you.

Sissy

Remembering You

Bubby,

Right now the kids are sitting on the couch watching tv, eating snacks and for the most part, behaving. It's raining outside and I just made a cup of tea.

I'm missing you something awful today, but really, that's every day.

I'm all out of words because I think I've used them all to describe how much I miss you, and how much I love you. And even the words I have used, do not even scratch the surface.

I often feel Mom guilt because I know that my grief gets in the way of my parenting. I know that I'm not the Mom I once was. The Mom you loved and were so proud of.

But today, in this very moment, my children are fine. And I am not. So I'm going to take my tea, and sit in my sunroom, listen to the rain hit the roof and give myself some time to miss you. Guilt free.

I can't wait to imagine your face, your laugh and what your hugs felt like. I can't wait to relive all of our beautiful memories together. I promise I will do my best to laugh through the tears.  Meet me there...

Love and missing you as always,

Sis

There is No Peace

Kobi,

Running use to be my happy place. A place I could escape my problems. A place I could leave all my problems behind and out run them. So of course I thought running would be good for me. I thought it could be good for me to get out my anger and frustrations and leave them behind. However, when I stepped on the treadmill today, something very different happened. I ran harder and faster then I ever have. I ran so hard I had an asthma attack, on top of my panic attack. I was getting tired, and then I got angry at myself. I thought, if you could run as far as you did, with bullets in the backs of your legs, then I could run and run and run. I imagined you running from the front of your building, to the back of your building being shot at, scared and with your broken leg, still running. So I ran until my lungs wouldn't let me anymore.

My happy places are no longer happy. My favorite things were your favorite things. My favorite things haunt me. You, haunt me. Going to the morgue, haunts me. Walking through the funeral home picking out your casket and your vault, haunts me. Seeing your name in stone, haunts me. Part of me is smart enough to know this is my PTSD talking. This will get better like it has before. I will some day have a clear head again. Some day. But that feels so far away. I need it to come sooner, rather than later. But I know my limits, and I know how much I love you, and I realize this is going to be an incredibly long and difficult process. I know there is no skipping steps, and my heart wouldn't let me if I tried.

These thoughts are invading. They are infecting me with a sickness that I can't shake. Tearing me from what little sanity I have left. Taking a step back didn't help. I'm trying to take a step forward into a busy life that hopefully leaves me less time to freak out. The only problem is, I always talked to you when driving. So that absence and emptiness is felt there too. I just need to talk to you. I need to ask you how I should do this. How should I do this, Kobi? We said this would be bad, but holy crap. We could have never imagined this. This early, this horrific, this way. You would tell me I can't dwell on this. I can't torture myself this way because it will eat me alive. I know it, but I can't stop it. It's like seeing a car accident happening but you can't do anything to prevent it.

I want to go back and see you. I want to go back to when my life made sense. I want that brief moment of peace and comfort back that I had in that dream. The one where I walk into my house and you are sitting on my couch and I tackle you. I wrap my arms around you and I don't let go. I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you how much I love you, how much I need you. I want you back. There is nothing else more profound that I could say than that. I want you back. I want my life back and I want you to have yours back.

I love you. And I miss you so freaking much.

Sissy

Seeing You

Kobi,

I can't walk into a room in this house without seeing you in it.

You are your coffee mugs hanging on the wall in my kitchen.

You are the memorial candle and blanket, pictures and Rebels awards in my living room.

You are the picture beside my bed, the DS in my drawer, and your shirts in my closet.

You are the pictures of the girls on the play room wall, the pictures that once hung in your house.

You are the Scentsy warmer on my desk, that was suppose to be yours.

You are the books on my book shelf that we use to spend hours talking about.

You are the empty chair at our dining room table.

You are the cat sleeping on my lap, the cat that use to be yours.

You are the tears your nieces cry for you, and also their smiles when they think about the memories with you.

You are the bracelet on my wrist, and your words forever inked on my arm.

You are the love in this house.

You are my heart, always and forever.

I love you so very much. I'm grateful to have you everywhere, even when it hurts.

Miss you

Sis

Loved

Kobi,

I've grown scared of being out at night, getting out of my car without people around, sitting in my car for any length of time and being in bigger towns. Much like after Dad committed suicide and I became terrified that every sad person would kill themselves. I began worrying about ending arguments with loved ones or seeing them heading down a dark road. A little over a year before your death, you were in a dark place, you were depressed.

I would tell you, "Don't do anything stupid, I need you ya know." You would respond with, "I won't, I know I'm loved."

I'm so glad you knew you were loved. I'm so glad that even when it would have been easier to check out of your own life, you stayed knowing you were important to your loved ones,  you stayed because you were loved, because I think you always knew, losing you would destroy me. You fought for your life, you ran to stay alive. I know you did this for Mom, your nieces and I know you did it for me.

I'm still running, Kobi. I'm running from who did this too. They are trying to take me with you, even if they don't know it yet. I'm running for Mom, my girls, Casey, and most of all, I'm running for you. I don't have to physically see you, to know you still love me. I know, Bub, I know. So I'm going to keep running, because I know I'm loved.

I love you, always have and I always will.

Sis

Spilled Milk

Kobi,

You've heard the saying, "No use crying over spilled milk." Well, today, there was. The weekend that I helped you move was a crazy weekend. We got to your house Friday evening and Casey and I helped you move all the big furniture well into the night into your new apartment. You were stressed about the move, but you were so hopeful and excited to see what new scenery could do for you. After a bad break up, this was the right move for you, of that, I had no doubts(at the time, anyway). I loved hearing you talk about your bright, bright future. All the plans you had for yourself, your team, and us. I loved it! I always wanted the best for you.

Saturday, the night after we moved your big items, I got up at 5 am because I knew you were freaking about not being moved on time. I wanted to get there bright and early to help you finish. On my way there I remembered you being worried about not having enough groceries to get you through the week, so I knew I needed to stop by Walmart and pick some up for you. I grabbed all of your favorites, chocolate syrup, milk, cheese pizza, even bought stuff for grilled cheese and tomato soup and told you that you needed to make yourself an actual meal. When I got to your apartment, I told you I had some stuff for you and opened the back of my jeep, that's when an entire gallon of milk fell out of the jeep and splattered everywhere! All over me, all over the ground, and all over my jeep. I wanted to cry out of frustration, but instead, we both laughed.

I spent that entire day helping you get settled into your apartment until you had to go to work, and then I stayed over after you left for work and put away your coffee mugs, made sure your Keurig was put together and working, I checked on the animals, and made sure Sammy was doing okay. I cleaned your couch and looked around at what would hopefully be a fresh start for you. How could I have ever known that would be the last time I would see your apartment before it would become this dark place for the both of us? I didn't. You said, "1485 is perfect. It's almost my birthday numbers. It's like it was meant to be."  I hope this wasn't meant to be. I hope it was just some horrible thing that just happened, because trying to think of this entire thing being meant to be makes me sick to my stomach. So today, when I went out to get the table out of the jeep that we used for your graveside birthday celebration, I saw what was left of a splatter mark from the milk that was meant for you. Instead of laughing about it today, I cried.

I was not thrilled about spending a Saturday moving heavy objects when I really wanted to be at home resting from my crazy week of clinical and parenting. But now, I'm so glad I got to spend that entire day with you. We talked, we laughed, and we just got to be together. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I wouldn't trade you for the world. Even with the pain that I'm in now. And believe me, it's a massive amount of pain. I'm still trying to keep moving forward, for you, for these girls, for the hope that I will some day be able to stand in front of the person who did this to you, and ask them the one question that haunts me every single second of every day, "Why?"

I hope you enjoyed your birthday celebration, I barely survived it. I miss you so freaking bad.

Love always,

Sis